Spotify Gave Their Listeners A Free Google Home…Your Move, Apple Music

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Ever since streaming became a thing I’ve been defending Apple Music over Spotify. I tell people about the great Beats 1 Radio shows that Apple Music has like Ezra Koenig’s Time Crisis and all of Zane Lowe’s interviews, like the one he did with Kanye this past week. I tell people it let me transfer all of my playlists and music library from iTunes over to the streaming service seamlessly. I tell people it allows you to say “hey Siri” to your phone and it actually plays whatever you want. But NOPE! Because Spotify lets you see that your best friend is listening to Drake for the 20th time this week, that makes it UNQUESTIONABLY BETTER!

It’s BS. As my friend Duggie has said multiple times, Spotify is for people who like social media, Apple Music is for people who like music. And I like music….but I also like free stuff. And Spotify users got a pretty sweet free item this week.

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Oh come on. Y’all already had free hulu or something and now you get a free Alexa? (I’m aware it’s not actually an Alexa but any butler-box that talks to you is an Alexa in my mind).

I am a ride or die Apple Music fan and the only thing they gave me for free was a shitty U2 album I didn’t ask for.  So Apple, if you want to keep my loyalty, it’s time to pony up. Here are a few ideas of things you could give Apple Music users for free to show us some love.

An Apple Homepod

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No I did not this make this up. This gray cylinder with zero creativity in its design…this is real. Here’s proof. Sure, it took me about 10 minutes to find the link to that page with any sort of information on the product, and sure a “Homepod” definitely sounds like something an intern came up with on the spot, but it is definitely 100% real. And what better way to get more people to believe that than to give it to them for free! Because we sure as hell aren’t paying THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR IT.

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What??? How is that even possible? Say what you want about Jeff Bezos but he’s tossing Amazon Echos out like candy at a parade but Apple can’t give me a “siri in a can” for less than 3 BILLS??? Absurd.

One of Steve Jobs Turtlenecks

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There’s gotta be enough black turtlenecks left in this man’s estate to keep the entire homeless population in New York City warm for the winter. “One sweater won’t keep a homeless person warm for an entire NYC winter Mr.chickenparm”, OH I’m well aware. I’m talkin’ THREE SWEATERS A PIECE. Triple turtled up for the whole damn season. Those guys will be cozy as hell.

Seriously though, it’s like a Where’s Waldo trying to find a picture of Stevie Jobs NOT in a black turtleneck. Look at the google image results for “steve jobs”.

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And I’ll be honest, he looks fresh! I can see why he wore it all the time my man was fitted up! His mind was so in the future he was wearing what every girl in Brooklyn wears in 2019 a decade before he died. A true visionary. So, Apple execs, why don’t you dive into that mans closet, look right above the thousands of pairs of blue jeans, and toss a couple free neck-warming sweaters our way.

A Free Year of Disney+

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“Uhhh don’t they have their own streaming service coming out? Why would they give away a subscription to a competitor”, well, maybe because nobody could care less about any of the Apple TV shows coming out. Their flagship show is a “gripping” drama revolving around…Good Morning America?

Yeah I’m sorry but even though you’ve got 3 of America’s most beloved actors in this show, it could not be more of a boring premise. I’d rather watch Kathie Lee and Hota get wine drunk at 9:30 in the morning than this show about a morning show.

What else? Well, they’ve got a show about a bunch of blind cavemen! That sounds fun doesn’t it!?!

There’s a reason they killed this guy off after like 8 episodes of Game of Thrones, he’s a garbage actor. All he had to do was speak jibberish and dry hump Khaleesi and he couldn’t even sell that. So why are they giving him an entire series to lead?!? No clue.

What’s the third show they’re promoting hard as if it’s their safety net in case these 2 fail? It’s a TV show about an angsty *checks notecards* Emily…Dickinson?

Kinda hard to pitch the “streaming platform of the future” with a show about a girl from the 1800s who’s trying to break the glass ceiling by writing poetry but ultimately spent most of her life in isolation and didn’t have any impact on society until her poems were released almost a hundred years later…But folks, that’s why I’m asking for a Disney+ subscription. Feed me Star Wars bounty hunters blowing shit up, Marvel Superheroes ALSO blowing shit up, and whatever the hell “Fuzzbucket” is over any of these shows every day of the week.

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Like, 20 bucks?

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Kids these days are getting endless quality entertainment out of Fortnite for free and you scumbags made me think downloading “Doodle Jump Pro” for $2.99 was worth it back in 8th grade? I paid $1.29 to have “Squirrels In My Pants” from Phineas and Ferb on my iPod but then a few years later you let me listen to whatever song I want at any time I want for $5 a month? And you thought I’d just forget about a scam of that caliber? No shot. You send me a crisp Andrew Jackson in the mail or I’m gonna blow this scandal worldwide. I’m gonna remind every single person I know about the bullshit you guys were pulling back in the day. So send the twenty if you wanna keep these lips sealed.

Those are all very easy solutions to keep me as a soldier in the battle against normies who are so matter-of-fact about Spotify being better. It’s hard enough trying to defend you when you can’t even add that feature where songs fade into one another. It would maybe take 5 minutes for your lowest-level engineer to pop in a code and add it. In spite of that, I still defended you. So this is my ultimatum: send me a Homepod, a Stevie Jobs Signature Sweater, a subscription to literally any streaming service but yours (yes, I’m aware that includes whatever “Crackle” is), or a 20 Dollar Bill OR ELSE you would have forced my hand to go to the app store and download the app of the masses. Your move.

 

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