The Song “Driver’s License” Has Driven Me Straight Into My Quarter Life Crisis

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Well, internet, you win. You broke me. I saw too many tweets on the TL saying “ummmm, not to be dramatic but I have been crying at Drivers License since the day it came out”, too many clickbait instagram videos about all of the “drama” unwinding between the singer, and too many ABSURD records that the song is breaking…and now, you’ve got me, an almost 25 year-old man talking about a song a 17 year-old Disney star wrote after getting out of Donald Duck’s Driver’s Ed.

It doesn’t feel right talking about this song and being my age, not necessarily because of the age of the girl (because there are plenty of talented musicians who put out popular music in their teens), but mostly because of the weird story behind the song? Like I’m mad that I know the drama behind this song because it’s just…strange? And not drama? Let me break it down for the people who are mentally stable who didn’t need to know the backstory behind the song.

The Story Behind Driver’s License, Explained Poorly By Me

So the singer is Olivia Rodrigo who I guess is on High School Musical: The Musical: The Series, which is a real show on Disney+ that I would’ve bet $1,000 would have been absolutely hated by everyone and cancelled, but apparently people have been eating into the palm of Mickey Mouses dusty little gloves because it’s being watched.

Now she and her co-star, Joshua Bassett (who is 20), I guess had crushes on each other but obviously Josh being 3 years older was like…not a good idea. Which is a very respectful move! More than you can say for Tyga! Remember that shit?! My man was 25 dating a (barely) 17 year old! And he’s just walking around now like he didn’t do anything! I’m 25! My own friends would call the cops on me if I did that! And I’d be like “good call guys, this is wrong!” and join in on their “lock him up” chants!

But anyways, this song I guess is her being mad at him for now dating this other girl, Sabrina Carpenter (who is 21) and I guess Sabrina released a song in response to this one…and there’s some beef between the 2 girls and a bit of a love triangle…I mean…this should not be a thing to talk about…for many reasons.

IF YOU HAVE A JOB, YOU SHOULD NOT CARE ABOUT THIS “DRAMA”

First of all there really shouldn’t be any drama. The 20 year old guy, dating the 21 year old girl, is the right thing. That’s objectively what should be happening.

And also, this being called “drama” and being tracked by like influencers and podcasters my age? Gross. Don’t do that. These are kids man. The girl was just allowed by the government to drive a vehicle, it’s literally what the song’s about. If you have a 401K this is not something you should be involved in. Anything involving a 17 year-old should not be drama to you, because 17 year-old drama isn’t drama, it’s just kinda sad. When I was 17 and the girl I had a crush on started dating an objectively cooler and better-looking guy than me, that wasn’t drama, that was just the beginning of a long-string of confidence issues that I would carry well into adulthood. No story there for the Daily Mail! Just one for my therapist, Michele.

You want drama? Drama is Armie Hammer admitting he wants to eat people and smoking DMT before his court-mandated drug tests. THAT’S DRAMA. That’s what I want to be seeing 6-minute IG TV deep-dive videos on, not some kid writing a song about being sad about a break-up that’s not even really a break-up.

Why Is This Song Blowing Up SO MUCH?

Obviously this is getting a lot of coverage because of the aforementioned “situation” (I refuse to call it drama again), it works pretty well as a Tik Tok trend, and it’s also definitely just a pretty good song! But that’s just it…a pretty good song, not a ABSOLUTELY WORLD-DOMINATING MEGA-SMASH-BANGEROONI???

This freaking song BROKE THE RECORD FOR MOST DAILY STREAMS ON SPOTIFY! On the fourth day the song was available it had FIFTEEN MILLION STREAMS!

INSANITY! It also did the following:

  • Broke the Record for Fastest Song to Reach 100 Million Streams on Spotify
  • Broke the Record for Most Streams Of A Song In A Single Week (over 65 million)
  • Became Most Requested Song on a Single Day from Alexa
  • Billboard noted as “One of the Most Dominant #1 Hits of All Time”
  • Reached 130 Million Streams Globally
  • Broke the Record for Most Listened to Song In the World From A Female Artists In A Week, Dethroning Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

Uhhhh WHAT?

She dethroned MARIAH with this thing?

You’re telling me that this song was played more in one week, than “All I Want For Christmas is You” the week before Christmas??? I genuinely don’t believe it. I mean not so much this year but if you listen to any radio station, go to any store, get in any car, go to any party during the week before Christmas, you are GUARANTEED to hear that song.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

I can not wrap my head around the fact that it did better than AIWFCIY…I mean, is it THAT good? It’s definitely good but like…this was played more than Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” upon release? This was bumped more in one week than Calvin Harris’s “Slide” in the summer of 2017? This defeated EVERY TAYLOR SWIFT SONG??? There was like 2 years where you couldn’t go a day without hearing “Blank Space”, in none of those 104 weeks did it beat her numbers????

The only real explanation, as to why I can’t wrap my head around it…is that I’m old. I just don’t get it. It’s not the song, it’s me. I don’t know the tunes like I used to.

I saw the signs…I didn’t even attempt to listen to Lil’ Baby’s album…I asked for a Keurig for Christmas because I can’t have my body active for more than like 4 hours a day without coffee…the only TikToks I get served are about the 2011 cast of SNL….I might as well be put in a home.

I mean, as a someone who loves music, this was a real wake-up call for me. Am I washed-up? Where did the time go? What am I doing with my life? I’m 25 and still writing BLOGS? I couldn’t even at least convert this thing to a podcast by now? People don’t ready anymore you stupid dumb idiot!

Maybe it’s time to get out of the game…if I can’t understand why Driver’s License is the biggest and best song of all time, maybe it’s time to let someone take over who does…

And that’s why I’m selling all the rights of djchickenparm.com to TikTok user MindlessMusic69420 for $12 so he can convert everything I’ve ever written into 45 second “Here’s my Top 5 _____ Songs!” videos. Hope you all enjoy, we had a good run.

(Just kidding, please follow me on TikTok so I feel young and keep doing these)

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