Posted by “Yeah I’m doing Damp January so I’m only having a few drinks one night a week” – OK so you’re just being a slightly more responsible 28 year-old? Congrats?
What are we doing here guys?
I am currently doing my second Dry January. The first time I did it I was 23.
TWENTY. THREE.
Do you know how hard it is to deny yourself a drink when you’re a single 23 year-old, working on an entry-level Providence, RI salary, sleeping in the twin bed you grew up in, in the dead of winter? It’s almost impossible. Read that back and tell me what would bring your life joy besides cracking a couple bud lights every night huh? What am I supposed to do, get super into “The Voice”? Start running on the treadmill in my basement regularly? READ? Come on, now YOU sound drunk.
It was terrible, but I did it. The entire month without a sip of alcohol. And I will say at the end of those 31 days, my skin cleared up, I lost a couple pounds, and I was motivated to prioritize my mental and physical health. And you know what? I still had the entire rest of the year to do fun stuff in this new positive mindset! I can get out of the suburbs and explore the world! Maybe even find a new job that I love! Hit the bars and have a few drinks with my buddies! That’s right, 2020 is gonna be the best year of my life!
Flashforward to March 2020 and I am playing Fornite on a Nintendo Switch in my parent’s basement while drunk off a Four Loko and the only “positives” I’m seeing are test results for a global pandemic. I vowed I would never do a Dry January again. What a waste of time.
But here I am, 4 years later, bearing the cross of a boozeless month again. Why? Why would I go through a task that was so brutal the first time? Well, because I’m feeling anxious and existential and unhealthy and I need to get back that positive (and let’s be honest, naive) outlook I had back before the world-ended. And this challenge makes you feel grounded, motivated, accomplished, and disciplined…if you’re ACTUALLY doing it.
This year I’ve heard the term “Damp January” thrown out a lot. Even before January started some people were declaring they’re doing “Damp January”, which if you’re unfamiliar is basically Dry January except it’s not that at all.
DAMP JANUARY IS JUST DRINKING A LITTLE LESS THAN YOU NORMALLY WOULD.
Why are we even giving it a name? It’s not a thing! There aren’t even rules to it! Depending on who you ask it could be “only drinking a glass of wine when I cook at home” or “a couple of beers but only when I work out in the morning” or “only a few drinks and only on Fridays or Saturdays”…I mean that is alcoholic-reasoning if I’ve ever heard it. You gotta admit you have a problem and get to a meeting if you think “having a few drinks 1 to 2 nights a week” is an accomplishment we gotta give a name to.
Look, if you’re doing Damp January, call it what it is. You’re just “drinking less”! That’s what you can tell people! “I’m cutting back on drinking a bit”!
If you ran 6.5 miles, would you tell your friends you ran a “Quarter Marathon”? NO. You’d just say “I went for a long run” and people would say great! But the word Marathon shouldn’t even SNIFF that distance. And the same goes for Damp January.
Dry January isn’t about the volume it’s about the amount of time between drinks. It’s about denying yourself the pleasure of booze for the entirety of a month. To keep with the running analogy, Damp January is like running a marathon but taking a little nap every couple of miles but not counting those little sleepy-time breaks in your final time. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
This whole term makes me understand those old conservatives who are mad everyone’s getting a “participation trophy” nowadays. THEY’RE RIGHT.
What’s next? Huh? Are school’s gonna give out bumper stickers that say “Proud Parent of a Kid Who Got a Couple of B’s and a C on His Report Card”? Are we going to to have ceremonies and receptions for couples that “really really like each other”? Are we going to do LinkedIn updates to our network that say “Congratulate Ryan for sharing the correct screen during his meeting and not the tab right next to it that has his Webkinz open because he “was feelin lucky with the Wheel of Wow this morning’“? NO. Because those aren’t things you get to brag about and say that you did. They might be all good and well! But they aren’t THINGS. (Unless of course you won big at the Wheel of Wow, then you’d share with all 500+ of your carefully curated professional network BUT ONLY once you’ve won).
And if you’re reading this in a great mindset, feeling positive that this year’s gonna be yours, and you’re wondering why I gotta bring the mood down and kill your vibe? Well then, you’re probably doing Damp January and you gotta remember that I haven’t had a drink in 23 days. So EXCUSE ME if I’m a little testy!
But no, cheers to you! Enjoy living in your fantasy world where you don’t have to think about the horrors of the world! And you can go out with friends! And…and you can maybe let your guard down a bit and…you know, talk about your problems. Maybe…maybe just pause the world for a few minutes and share a moment over a glass of wine with a loved one…like a…like a weak LOSER. Alphas like me don’t need that! Ha ha…what? I’m not crying. LOL. My eyes are just rejecting water because I’m so hydrated. Don’t need all this water in my system let’s squirt some out through those peepers huh?!
Good GOD I need a drink.
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