It was Halloween the other day and because I’m not a psychopath watching weird Tim Burton claymations, I watched Harry Potter. Because I needed it to be a little spookier I watched the last two movies, The Deathly Hallows. For those who don’t know the Harry Potter movies went from “these jelly beans taste like farts! lol!” to “characters you’ve loved for the past 10 years are being murdered out of the sky” real quick. The stakes are high in these ones as Voldemort is really bout to take over. Throughout the movie there are several wand standoffs, which is when I noticed something…every wizard basically carries around a death stick.
These pieces of magic wood make a machine gun looks like a musket. You say a quick phrase and it shoots out a lethal bullet at WHOEVER YOU WANT.
This is Harry when he got his first wand.
My man is like 11 years old and they trust him with this WEAPON. My parents wouldn’t even let me play video games with guns in them when I was 11, wizards parents are giving their kids these personal torture devices to play around with.
When I was younger I would get pissed at my brother and punch him and we’d wrestle and I’d be angry as hell. Imagine being an angry 9 year within arms reach of a wand? My brother could just be like “cheating at Madden” and I’d rage quit the xbox, grab my dad’s wand and avada kadvra that kid into next week.
And that would be on purpose, imagine the accidents that would happen.
*Harry and Ron are chilling in the Gryffindor lounge playing with their wands, talking about spells*
Ron: Hey man, what’s that spell again that let’s you kill people?
Harry (holding his wand): Oh you mean avada kadavra?
*a beam shoots from Harry’s wand and kills Hermoine*
Ron and Harry in unison: SH*T
IT’S THAT EASY. THERE AIN’T NO SAFETIES ON A WAND. You forget you’re holding your this thing and accidentally say a phrase and you could COMMIT MURDER. You think this doesn’t happen at least a couple of times per year??? You’d have a bunch of liberal wizards protesting outside Hogwarts “marching for their lives” and all the conservative wizards on the other side screaming about how “wands don’t kill people, wizards do”.
I guarantee there’d be wizard gangs doing “fly by’s” on their brooms just shouting “SLYTHERIN MUTHAF***A!” and shooting out death beams from their wands. Gryfinndor getting tear drop tattoos for their fallen homies taken by wand violence.
That’s not even mentioning the other 2 “unforgivable curses”.
The “Cruciatus Curse” puts people in extreme pain and torture without killing them. Move over waterboarding! Wizards have a much simpler solution! Angry white women will be using this because the waiter forgot to bring bread to their table, bullies would be using this to get lunch money instead of wedgies, and mall cops would be using this on teenagers smoking weed in the parking lot.
Then we’ve got the “Imperius Curse”, which lets you brainwash people and treat them like voodoo dolls. Being a celebrity would be impossible in the wizard world with this one. I’d see Kanye across the street and be like “IMPERIO!” just to get him to walk over and take a selfie with me. Moms would use it on their kids to do the dishes and clean their rooms. Nerds like me would be using it to take the hottest girls in school to Prom.
It’d be an easy cop out tho if you were caught doing something embarrassing. Like “hey didn’t I see you pee your pants while drunkenly singing Mariah Carey at that karaoke bar last night?”, and I’d be like “lmao yeah but like one of my buddies had me under the Imperius Curse, they suck lol”.
Which brings me to my other point, being drunk and having wizard powers is the most unsafe combo of all time. You ever see kids doing this drunk at a house party?
Anxiety levels through the roof. Imagine what you’d do with a wand? Dudes would be like “hey try to shoot this beer can off the top of my head with your wand lol” and end up with a hole through their face.
You’re scared of drunk texting that girl you like? Imagine being able to APPARATE.
At the snap of their fingers Wizards can go anywhere. You won’t be texting that girl “u up?”, you’ll be showing up in her bed room to see for yourself. That. Is. TERRIFYING.
Kids would be leaving the bar getting DUI’s on their brooms, if only there were wizard cops. We see teachers yell at Harry and the gang, we see the Ministry of Magic trying to hold down the fort on Voldemort and terrorists and stuff, what about all the menial things? Like if a wizard robs a convenient store or parks their broom in a resident parking spot without a sticker, who’s there to enforce that? Not once do we see the Wizard Police in all 8 of these movies and I’m starting to think they don’t exist.
Maybe the Dementors weren’t that bad after all. That’s one of the few explanations as to why all Wizards aren’t doing all of this debaucherous stuff. No shot I’m getting on a broom after a few beers if I know the consequence would be making out with one of these things.
I would ask J.K. Rowling for an explanation for all of these things I’ve pointed out, but we all know she’d come up with a wild answer on the spot.
After reading briefly from her mega-selling book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, on Friday night, Rowling took questions from an audience of 1,600 students. A 19-year-old from Colorado asked about the avuncular headmaster of Hogwarts School: ‘Did Dumbledore, who believed in the prevailing power of love, ever fall in love himself?’
The author replied: ‘My truthful answer to you…I always thought of Dumbledore as gay.’ The audience reportedly fell silent – then erupted into prolonged applause. via The Guardian