I mean, what the hell happened here?
Joe Biden? In maybe the worst year in American History, defined by a global pandemic, racial injustice, unemployment levels reaching all-time highs, climate change disasters and just widespread good old-fashioned depresssion, you give JOSEPH BIDEN the title of “Person of the Year”???
It feels like when Blake Shelton won “Sexiest Man Alive” and everyone was like….wait, what? Him? I mean. sure he’s ok but like, my neighbor deserves it more than that guy.
This dude, ironically like most of America, didn’t really have a job for most of 2020. Sure he got elected President but he literally won on the slogan “Settle for Biden”. Just because you won something doesn’t mean you deserve an award. I mean, Taylor Hicks won American Idol and I’m like 90% sure he’s slinging CR-V’s for ‘Happy Honda Days’ right now, because that’s what he deserves.
Who was he up against? Well, Donald Trump, who I’m pretty sure Time put on their “short list” just so he wouldn’t send the same people he sent for Epstein to their Editor’s house. But he also beat out Front Line Nurses and “Movement For Racial Justice” which they clearly didn’t pay attention to or else they would’ve heard the “SAY HIS NAME” chants and actually put George Floyd on the list.
So on the shortlist, there’s literally 2 “people” who already should’ve beat Biden, but there’s plenty more Time didn’t put on that list that should’ve nabbed the title of Person of the Year, and here they are.
I said it already but, how did these people not win? They literally cleaned up the mess politicians put us in and LOST to a politician? Time threw them a bone by giving them “Guardian of the Year”, but we all know that’s just a made-up award to make them feel better. It’s like if after David Cook won American Idol they made up a “Most Adorable Contestant Award” for David Archuleta just to keep the peace.
(For those counting at home, that’s 2 pre-2010 American Idol references this blog. Keep reading to see if more show up!)
How were these people not even on the Short List? They had a lose/lose situation this year. Either they have to put themselves at risk teaching the least-hygenic human beings on the planet about the crazy world we live in IN PERSON OR they have to try to get the most rambunctious scatter-brained human beings on the planet to pay attention to like “fractions” while the world outside their window burns and their siblings are saying it’s their turn to use the iPad and their parents are sipping their afternoon glass of wine just to get through the last 2 hours of their online workday. Wild they weren’t even tossed a fake award like the nurses.
Look I’m not even a big fan of Taylor’s but the woman single-handedly gave the entire White Girl Population an audio-vaccine with Folklore, and then when that started wearing off and the second-wave started to surge, she said “F*** it, second dosage”. Without her music there wouldn’t be enough therapists to go around for the rest of us. Salute, Taylor.
Say what you want about this show being a fad and jokes about the show being outdated and stuff now, but this television phenomenon was like meeting a memory-foam mattress at the bottom of a 3 story fall, you’re still gonna get hurt, but not as bad as you would if there was nothing there. The pandemic was pure chaos, but the chaos in this show made it seem just a little less bad. And it gave us one other universal thing to talk about besides the mysterious virus spreading the globe. A godsend.
Huge year for this guy. Without some warmth and sunshine this year would’ve been 5000x worse. Remember just like walking around your suburb in April? Just to get out of the house? That shit went HARD. The pure ADRENALINE rushing through your veins as you walk past your neighbors house and see their dog in the yard? Crazy. And we wouldn’t have been able to experience it without the big hyrdogen ball in the sky, thank you for your service.
When they said “only essential businesses are staying open” everyone’s hands started shaking. Foreheads got sweaty. Necks got itchy. But then, by the grace of God, they permitted the good ol’ packies to stick around.
Imagine quarantine without booze? It’d be miserable. My favorite game for the first 3 months of lockdown was “how drunk can I get in my parents basement” and it was truly the perfect way to pass the time. Something about drinking Four Lokos and watching the animated movie Hoodwinked! on Youtube perfectly distracts someone from a global pandemic, who would’ve thought?!
People Who Said They Were Using This Time To Get Healthy and Actually Did It
Superheroes. Literal gods amongst men. Everyone was saying “I’m gonna use this time to better myself. Eat healthy. Work out. Meditate.” and after about 36 hours 95% of us were like “I’m bored, I’m ordering Dominoes and watching all 8 Harry Potter movies in one sitting”. Honestly, forget “got healthy”, if you gained LESS than 10lbs, you deserve Person of the Year. Good on you. Couldn’t be me.
What a great time for a new app that you can literally waste HOURS on. Oh I woke up at 9am and am already looking forward to going to sleep at night? Well, I can forget that I exist for 3 hours scrolling through videos of toads sitting on benches and boom! We’re already in the afternoon baby!
HOW? HOW IS SHE STILL ALIVE? GIRL IS 98 YEARS OLD. PROBABLY LIVED THROUGH THE BUBONIC PLAGUE AND THIS ONE. SHE’S GOTTA BE A GOD, GIVE HER THE PRAISE AND WORSHIP SHE DESERVES.
Protesters (Both Sides)
If Time is really going to give this luke-warm glass of milk “person of the year” they might as well do this. Just say “protesters standing up for what they believe in, and what is right” and let each side think you’re talking about them. Because if we’ve learned anything from this year, and this “Person of The Year”, it’s that nothing matters and there’s no point in trying or doing anything ever. We are just pawns in a chess game being played by a coked-up 19 year old girl in Russia, we don’t make the calls, she does.
Did anyone bring more peace to more Americans than this guy this year? In the midst of everything going on, constantly thinking about all the plagues of the world, this dude longboards down the freeway drinking cranberry juice and listening to Fleetwood Mac and for 26 seconds….serenity.
Alright, how funny would this be? I have been SOBBING laughing about this for like 10 minutes. In one of the most devastating, absurd, and eventful years in all of American history they just gave “Person of the Year” to E FROM ENTOURAGE. And the write-up for why is just like “yeah I re-watched Entourage recently and he did a pretty good job of playing that character. He should get more work honestly.” It would RULE. I am literally still cracking up typing this. If you’re not, just take a few minutes and picture it you’ll get it soon enough.
The Same Person Who Won in 2006
That’s right, You. It’s been a tough year for everyone, and the fact that you’re still here reading this stupid blog is impressive (sad, but impressive nonetheless). And I think we all deserve a round of applause. As much of a struggle as this years been, we survived, and the best is yet to come. Right now, we are all like the Chris Daughtry going home in the Final Four during Season 5 of American Idol. After fighting such a tough battle, we’re devastated, but I know, 2021 will be our “It’s Not Over“, sending us to a life of prosperity.
(Annnnnd that’s a hat trick on American Idol references, thanks for playing folks)