The Top Scenarios Where Severance Would Be Kinda Sick

Severance is the TV show sweeping the nation…or at least the people in the nation with Reddit accounts. Essentially the show is about people who undergo a procedure that allows them to completely separate their home life and work life. They go to work, and from 9am to 5pm their “innie” version of themselves work on a mysterious project, but once they leave the job they resume their “outie” lives and continue on without knowing what happened in the previous 8 hours.

Of course this is sort of a dystopian show and anyone who watches would agree the procedure is bad…but if it WAS real. I’d be all in. There are so many instances where I would love to totally disassociate and have another version of myself do stuff for me. That being said, here are…

The Top Scenarios Where Severance Would Be Kinda Sick

Coming in at number one!

Work

Yeah man, the whole time I’m watching these innies get tortured at Lumon the entire show all I am thinking is “damn so Ben Wyatt doesn’t have to go to work anymore? That’s SICK.” Now I know the whole show you should basically let me know that this is a bad idea, but 10 hours of a TV series isn’t going to break through 7 years of experiencing the real life corporate world. If getting a dystopian metal chip surgically inserted in my skull gives me the chance to never hear the word “Salesforce” again, bind my wrists and ankles, dip that chair back and STICK THAT THANG IN MY CRANIUM.

The 2 Hours After Eating a Disgusting Meal

Because I am an almost 30 year old man of Irish descent, every time I have a meal that isn’t just grilled chicken and a baked potato my stomach is in absolute shambles. I’m bloated, I’m sweating bullets, I’m hallucinating DEMONS, all because the BK MeeeEeeEelts commercial hypnotized me into thinking one of those things would actually be edible? I want an innie just for dealing with that bodily ruin and, of course, the time on the toilet that comes with it. 

In Severance all the innies know is work. In this scenario, all my innie would know is pooping. You are not a human, you are a pooper. Poop is your work. Poop is your life. 

This Current President’s Term

Ugh this doofus is back again?! Uhhh how about you wake me up in 4 years, please and thank you. #JebBush2028

Getting Your Scrolls In

I’ve been off Tik Tok for a few years now, not because I’m some scholar who thinks it’s beneath me, but rather because I am so vulnerable to how idiotically addicting it is that I could not consume a healthy amount of the application using my own willpower alone. So I got rid of it.

Then I got on Instagram Reels, and within a year I was back to being fully hooked on mindless 60-second vertical videos about nothing. So for the last month I deleted Instagram too, to kill yet another source of scrolls…brother… within like 3 days I was addicted to watching YOUTUBE SHORTS. That’s low. It’s not “Snapchat Discover” low, but it’s close. I would love if my severed-self could scroll through the hours of AI generated America’s Got Talent auditions, top 5 strangest deep sea creatures and enchilada recipe videos that I will never even think about making on my own. And when the flip switches, I get the dopamine of that scroll-sesh without having to think about how much of my brain deteriorated from taking all that in.

Doing Your Taxes

H&R Block left me a voicemail the other day to see if I wanted to set up an appointment to do my taxes. That’s like a prison warden calling me up to see if I want to schedule a time to go to the yard and get a shiv in my spleen. Taxes SUCK. And if you’re thinking “that’ll take forever, the severed version of yourself will probably have no concept of what taxes even are”…buddy, NEITHER DO I.

I’ve been filing my taxes for 10 years (minus that one year I forgot that the IRS doesn’t seem to have caught on to yet, don’t you dare say SHIT) and every year it’s like I might as well have been severed doing them the year before. I sit back down at H&R Block or on the Turbo Tax website and it feels like alien technology. What’s a 1084C? Will they arrest me if I don’t use the address on my license because I don’t live there anymore? Is my HR manager at work mad at me because I asked where to download my W-9 even though she literally told us to pin her initial email about it last month? I DON’T KNOW AND I’M SCARED. Let me turn my brain off and get that thing submitted, I don’t care about the cost, just get it done and don’t let the IRS come knocking at my door (for this year’s or ANY years prior. If one of you tells about that missing year I WILL FIND OUT). 

Doing Homework

POV you’re doing homework and it has literally no aura or rizz…It would be >>>> if you could just have an innie do that so you can just watch Mr. Beast videos, now that’d be a slay!

(Appealing to kids is where the money is alright? That’s why Logan Paul is selling lunchables. I spent enough time trying to make good quality content for no money. I’ve got bills to pay. I’m selling out.)

What do you think? Would you undergo Severance if it existed? Like and comment below! And be sure to share with teens who will give me money! And not the IRS! OK, thanks for reading!