Posted by There’s like a 90% chance that as you are reading this sentence, you have a pair of headphones on – and I don’t blame you. As a fully remote worker, I have got to have some sort of sound rattling around in my head at all times to keep the other voices (the bad voices) quiet…always yapping about “is this what you really imagined your life would be like” and “does it even matter what your life looks like if the world keeps heading in this catastrophic direction” – HEY! SHUT UP! CAN’T YOU HEAR? DRAKE IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THE F THE FUNCTIONS AT?? AND HE NEEDS MY HELP!
My generation loves to look at little kids at dinner with their iPads and criticize them for not being able to sit for an hour without stimulation, meanwhile I start scratching at my neck if I don’t have someone else’s voice speaking directly in my ear for half the day. “Smartless” is basically “Cocomelon” for adults.
As I’ve noticed this audio addiction, I’ve been trying to cut back. I’ll let myself have my headphones on when I’m on a run or in my home, but whenever I’m outside these 4 walls (I live in a storage unit, hence all the bad voices) – I am not allowed to have headphones in. I’m sort of like an alcoholic who decides to “quit booze” but still allows themselves to drink beer because it makes them feel awesome and Miller Lites are really yummy…Is it really solving the problem? No. But you feel a little bit better about yourself.
And in doing so, I’ve really noticed how bad this Earbud Epidemic really is (and I’m sorry but how good is that term? Earbud Epidemic! Publishers, that title’s locked in – answer my emails and give me that $250K cash advance I mention and we can make millions together). In my neighborhood if someone is walking alone they almost always have some Airpods on. And I’m talking Airpods of all sizes, the little white beans AND the Max Pros – which are egregious.
You’re taking the bus to your accounting job man, you don’t need those things giving you the 4D experience of RFK Jr. spitting his nuclear saliva in your left ear while Joe Rogan blows cigar smoke in your right.
And beyond it not being necessary to constantly wear headphones while you’re out and about, I’ve really noticed just how straight up rude it is since I started my earbuds-out journey a few months ago. I’ll give you two examples of scenarios that make my blood absolutely boil.
- Whether you are buying Zyn at the corner store or you are getting protein oatmeal at Trader Joe’s…when you are in a store, making a purchase, TAKE YOUR HEADPHONES OUT. Walking around the store is one thing, but if you are checking out and someone is actively scanning your items, asking you questions, bagging stuff for you – you better not have those things in. THAT IS A HUMAN BEING ACROSS FROM YOU – not the robot you probably wanted to interact with at the self-checkout but the line was too long – SO ACT LIKE IT. Not only are you just blatantly not giving someone doing their job respect, but you’re also missing out on some pretty great interactions! For example, I went to Stop n Shop last week after getting some serious sun and had a cashier who straight-up used a walker…but when she told me “honey, your skin is glowing!”… I wrote my number on the receipt and handed it back to her. Those little things can make your day AND theirs! And guess what, we’re ENGAGED now!
- This is a move I’ve been calling the Be-Rude-A Triangle…If you are 1.) Walking your dog. 2.) Wearing headphones and 3.) Scrolling on your phone…you should be PUBLICLY EXECUTED. Who the hell do you think you are? You’ve got your Bernese Mountain Dog (that I’m sure loves being in your 500 sq ft. apartment by the way) taking a dehydrated piss on my front steps, while watching the Rizzler taste test different Hot Pockets, with NOISE CANCELLATION on? And then you glance up at me while I’m trying to pass and don’t even bother to say “oops sorry, I know the world revolves around me, my lulu lemon tech pants, and closing deals on SaaS that no one uses, but that’s still my bad”? Buddy, I hope your dog gets awakened to its canine ancestry and decides to take a bite out of your legs. Then we’ll see if you can scroll your phone and spin around in your wheelchair at the same time.
Alright, maybe wishing a disfigurement on these guys was a lot, but STILL. COME ON PEOPLE. WAKE UP. Technology is rapidly pushing us further and further away from each other!
I don’t have to go into an office any more, I can work from home!
I don’t have to go to a restaurant, I can have any meal I want delivered to my house by moped within the hour!
I don’t have to strike up a conversation with a girl to get her number, I can use ChatGPT to spit game via Hinge! (Although I wouldn’t do that now of course, being happily engaged).
The biggest companies in the world maximize their profits by minimizing the amount of real-life human interaction we have.
That statement sounds like I’m about to ask you to build a bunker and buy ammo to rise up against our AI-overlords – but I’m not! All these things are fine in moderation. But I am asking you to push back in the small ways we can. We don’t need to kill the Terminator just yet, but taking out our headphones every now and then and connecting to the people around us might be a good way to kick him in the nuts and flip him off before he gets too cocky.
djchickenparm.com 