On October 6th I watched the Red Sox get smacked 6-2 by the Yankees whilst guzzling stadium-sized bud lights on my couch. I was let down, depressed, and most importantly, I was pretty drunk.
I laid in bed scrolling through Twitter around midnight when I see this little patronizer come on my screen:
Despite the crystal clear sarcasm of the tweet, I took it’s advice. I looked into my continuous “blog ideas” note I have in my phone, found a topic, and dialed the number on the screen. I began a tired, rambling, somewhat dark and odd series of sentences that basically ended up being a question(?) of why more TV show characters haven’t just offed themselves. Fun! It wasn’t until Thursday morning while I was at work listening to the podcast that I realized “oh my god…that’s me”. It’s my favorite podcast made by some of my content-creating heroes so I was both pumped and mortified. You can listen to the podcast here, my excuse of a question comes on at 1:09:38 or so.
The guys gave a few answers on that episode and also on today’s episode of Watchlist, all of which I agreed with, but I wanted to give my definitive list of characters who (realistically) probably would’ve lost their minds and left the cruel, cruel world they were forced to endure.
Will (Stranger Things)
This kids haircut alone would’ve got him so bullied at school that he’d want to just die but then he gets lost in another dimension? and when he finally gets back from this demonic hell he starts throwing up slugs? and he is possessed by a monster and can’t tell if it’s actually gone or not? No thanks. Nope. I’ll take an empty void of nothingness over the Upside Down inhabiting my coconut head for the rest of my life.
Jerry, Garry, Larry…etc. (Parks and Rec)
The butt of everyone’s jokes. Despite trying his best to be friends with everyone and have a positive attitude he is continuously tortured throughout the series even by the nicest characters like Leslie Knope. I think in real life there would’ve been a day where they called him “Harry” one two many times and he’d just lose it, but hey maybe his impossibly out-of-his-league wife and massive peen make life worth living.
Theon Greyjoy (Game of Thrones)
I mean this dude’s life is a billion times worse than Jerry’s and not only does he not have massive peen, he doesn’t have one at all. I’d be climbing to the top of the wall at castle black and swan diving into the icy floor at any chance I got.
Jim Bob Duggar (19 Kids and Counting)
NINETEEN? God himself had one kid and he was a handful to say the least, I think after number 5 the Lord understands if you wanna use a condom. My parents had 4 and I’m still shocked they have their sanity. At least they got to send us away to school so they could take a lil break but these guys decided to homeschool ALL of them??? Were they trying to end up in an asylum? Between the money kids cost, having to coordinate all of their schedules, having cameras follow your entire family around for years…not to mention finding out your oldest son was a MOLESTER of the other kids. If this guy wasn’t tapped out of his mind already he would’ve called it quits on life after kid number 3.
Candace (Phineas and Ferb)
She’s got a British Step-Dad, a mom who doesn’t believe a word she says, a brother who is a certified genius, a brother who is basically mute, and a pet Platypus who is a secret agent. The fact this girl doesn’t end up in a straightjacket by the end of these 104 days of summer vacation is absurd. Back in the day we’d all be rooting like “yeah F you Candace! You’re not catching Phineas and Ferb this time!” WHY THOUGH? Every time she called her mom about the boys she was just looking for the slightest bit of verification that she wasn’t losing touch with reality. Poor girl had to watch her 11 year old brother make an amusement park in her backyard every day with no explanation and not one person could ever just agree with her and be like “oh yeah this is insane”.
Kathie Lee or Hoda
All I’m saying is that if you’re slamming fat glasses of wine at 9am every day for 20 years there’s probably a whole mess of underlying problems in your life.
Raven Baxter (That’s So Raven)
“Whoa cool she can see the future!”, look that’s all fun and games when you’re seeing who’s going to ask you to Prom and stuff but you’re telling me if she’s having visions almost every day that one of those isn’t going to mess her up for life? She’s going to see like her neighbors drop kicking their dog, or her dad cheating on her mom, or her brother going through rush week for Delta Kappa Whatever at a southern college and she’s going to have some serious mental trauma. That “blessing” can turn into a curse real quick.
Those are the only ones I’ve got off the top of my head that weren’t mentioned already by the KFC Radio gang, but I’m sure there’s like a billion others. Glad my close friends Kevin and John liked the question. You guys (I’m sure they’re reading) have my number now so feel free to call if you ever need any more ideas or, ya know, a new employee. Jus tossin it out there.
[Obviously this is all a joke and these are fictional characters and suicide is awful. If this is something you deal with there’s no shame in reaching out for help and/or calling 1-800-273-8255]