I Don’t Want to Be A Super Star, Just a C-List Celebrity

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On Friday, the Daily Mail published photos from the previous Sunday night of him crying at the Leaky Cauldron in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter while Baldwin tried to soothe him. via Vanity Fair

Justin Bieber was caught crying at Harry Potter World the other week. This was reported by a ton of major news networks like VanityFair, Cosmopolitan, and Refinery29…but when I did this the only “breaking news” was that my dad is still disappointed in me.

“How much would it suck to be Justin Bieber?”, isn’t a question I ever thought I’d ask myself. When I was younger I hid my jealousy of this dude with anger. Me and all my 8th grade buddies at lunch would roast him for being “gay”, meanwhile he could literally have any girl he wanted. He was texting Selena Gomez “you up?” while I was texting girls I had a crush on at sleepovers with my friends “as a joke” and they would respond with “whose number is this?”.

Bieber’s been spotted crying all the time. Just a few weeks before the Hogwarts incident he was caught crying another time. When asked about it he “told TMZ that’s what the tears were about. ‘You got good days and you got bad days,'”. Biebs just has a bad day, had to let the waterworks fly for a little bit, and he’s got to have camera guys harassing him about it left and right. And that’s a sneaky sneaky video. I’d have to hire an entire team of 8 foot body guards to hide me after I came out of a Star Is Born if I didn’t want my tears on TMZ.

That’s exactly my point though. Is all the money you get from being famous worth being scrutinized all the time? I don’t like having my mom ask me “how’s work?” at dinner let alone a bunch of creeps asking me to sign their Cheesecake Factory Menu and take pictures with them.

I haven’t posted an Instagram since July, wanna know why? Because I’m ugly. In the pictures I ask people to take of me I don’t like the way I look, so I don’t think some rando using portrait mode is going to get an angle I’m gonna love either.

This topic was brought up at lunch today and my coworkers and I were wondering who would be the best “celebrity” to be, and (shouts out to my friend Morgan) it was suggested I do a full on post breaking down some good options of C-List celebrities to be. Here are my top picks.

Kevin James

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This was my first answer and I stand by it. Kevin James is universally known as the man. Sure, he gets clowned on for his goofy movies like Paul Blart, Zookeeper, Grown Ups 2, and a bunch of other movies Adam Sandler paid for him to star in, but he’s definitely not going to be bombarded by paparazzi and he’s known as a funny dude who’s got a bunch of funny friends. Not to mention he’s getting money from King of Queens still, along with every time FX shows one of his movies (which is basically every Saturday afternoon).

Estimated Net Worth: $80 Million

Alfonso Ribeiro (AKA Carlton Banks)

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This guy is known for one thing: a hilarious dance. I’m sure he can’t go anywhere without people asking him to “do the Carlton”. He had that one character and he killed that role. I’m sure this dude hits the dance floor at parties, clubs, weddings, and when he breaks that out people lose their minds. Sure he’s not acting anymore, but he’s playing golf with celebrities like Justin Timberlake to raise money for charity. And he’s pretty good at it too.

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When he hit that dance after the ball went in, that course must’ve gone Happy Gilmore-level crazy. People shotgunning beers, caddy’s start making out with each other, bras are being thrown onto the greens…

Estimated Net Worth: $7 Million 

Matt Leblanc

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Look at this silver fox. You know how much love this guy gets for being Joey on Friends? People love friends despite it being one of the most average shows to ever be on TV. It plays on like 9 different TV stations at the weirdest hours, but apparently that’s a freaking gold mine for this guy.

Well, through the magic of syndication revenue, Friends pulls in a whopping $1 billion each year for Warner Bros. Here’s the kicker though: That translates into about a $20 million annual paycheck each for Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer, who each make 2% of that syndication income. via Quora

This dude makes $20 mil every year for doing nothing. Imagine. Being able to do whatever you want. You don’t have to make appearances on tv shows, you don’t have to star in movies, you don’t have to go, do, or say anything you don’t want to. And you get a $20 million dollar paycheck in the mail each year. It’s literally like winning the lottery.

Estimated Net Worth: $80 Million

Miranda Cosgrove

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Hell yes I want to be iCarly. Summer in School of Rock was a BOSS and hysterical. Megan from Drake and Josh was an ICONIC character. Then she starred on the most successful Nickelodeon show of all time making $125,000 per episode at the show’s peak. Everyone’s like “what’s she been up to since iCarly?”, idk? Chilling, I guess? She’s got cake in the bank from all the stuff she did as a kid I’d be taking it easy too. Idgaf if I’m getting called a Michael Jackson lookalike on twitter all the time if I can spend the stacks I made as a kid at a resort in Fiji or something.

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Estimated Net Worth: $8 Million

Marshmello

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This is the dream. Plug into the aux for an hour and a half and melt people’s faces and get paid millions to do so. Then you can literally go back stage, change into jeans and a t-shirt, and walk out of the venue in peace like nothing happened. Nobody knows what this dude’s face looks like, another plus for my ugly face. I just murder a DJ set and can talk to supermodels with a bag over my head and when they finally make a move I take off my helmet and I’m like “Surprise! Disappointment!”. He’s also boys with some BALLERS.

Dan Bilzerian welcomed dozens of celebrities into his new $100 million Bel Air mansion over the weekend.

Famous faces in attendance included Chris Brown and Tyga – seen dancing in the video above to his track with Lil Dicky, “Freaky Friday” – as well as French Montana, Olympian Shaun White and pro skateboarder Nyjah Huston.

Bilzerian enlisted Marshmello as entertainment. There was also a snake charmer, tons of Don Julio 1942 tequila and, of course, tons of random beautiful women taking selfies throughout the property’s 31,000 square feet. via The Blast

You gotta be kidding me. DJ-ing Dan Blizerian’s $100M dollar mansion in bel air with a ton of other celebrities literally sounds like a scene out of entourage. This may be my #1 pick.

Estimated Net Worth: $21 Million (he’s 26 years old).

BONUS

I wanted to get a washed up musician in here because I feel like one-hit-wonders even make a ton off residual plays of their hit and Sean Kingston came to mind.

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Dude had a few hits back in the day. “Beautiful Girls”, “Fire Burning”, “Eenie Meenie”, all bangers. Then I google his name and this comes up.

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I IMMEDIATELY googled this.

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Found out my dude has almost died twice but he’s still kicking, thank the lord. But he’s also running out of cash and getting put on blast by some jewelry dealer for being poor.

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NO!!! Sean gave us strictly hits, he almost died twice, and now some guys begging him over a measley $300,000 worth of jewelry? Probably not a huge deal for Kingston though RIGHT?

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According to celebritynetworth dot com…WRONG. That’s 15% of this man’s net worth! How does he only have $2 Mil? I’d love to have that kinda money but in the music industry that’s pennies.

That’s why, to end this post on a charitable note, I’d like to ask everyone to play “Fire Burning” at least 3 times today, because Kingston’s Jet Ski’s may have drowned him, but we’re fighting water with fire baby (ignore logic, you know what I’m trying to say). If we, as a country, can play “Fire Burning” over and over again, we might be able to get our guy a few extra bucks so he can ice out his neck again and flex on that other dude who sued him.

Each play of a song is worth $0.006 on Spotify. So get to it, America. Hopefully the next time our boy pops up in the news the headline will be

Beloved Hit-Maker Exits Kay Jewelers Wearing A 22 Karat Gold Necklace With A Jet Ski Medallion Made Out of Diamonds: Also, He’s Making New Music Now and It’s Very Good

 

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