You Know What? Yeah, Sure. I’m Mad About Adam Levine’s Nipples. Why Not.

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People are angry about Adam Levine’s tatted-up boobs being shown on TV and if it’s a reason for Adam to get hate and get cancelled then sure, I’m in on it.

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https://twitter.com/ira/status/1092231734672801792

Janet Jackson’s gotten the absolute shaft when it comes to the Superbowl. First she gets sabotaged by Justin Timberlake and embarrasses her in front of the entire country, then JT gets invited to perform at Superbowl 52 and Justin didn’t even invite her up on stage so she could make him have a wardrobe malfunction and call it even steven, and NOQ Adam Levine’s flaunting his nipples all around stage without consequence. It’s hypocritical anarchy and I for one won’t stand for it. You know what I also won’t stand for?

MAROON 5 NOT PLAYING ‘SWEET VICTORY’ IN FULL LAST NIGHT.

WHAT THE HELL?

I should’ve known that egomaniacal ass-kissing coward Adam Levine wouldn’t have the stones to be cool for once. Instead he teases us leading all the way up to the Halftime show and throws us the microscopic bone of this little 10-second intro.

Yup. They literally showed the sequence from the song. They did the intro. My endorphins swelled up last night as I fist pumped the air. This was it. It’s actually happening. The biggest day in meme history. And then….it lead into SICKO MODE.

Look, I love Sicko Mode, ok, but it had absolutely zero business being in this halftime show. What a weird transition. Adam to Spongebob to Travis with legit ZERO collaboration. Nothing flowed together. It was “hey were maroon 5 here’s some maroon5” to “hey it’s the people from spongebob, here’s the 7 seconds before that spongebob thing you wanted to see” to “hey im the sicko mode guy, here’s 46% of sicko mode because I can’t say half these words on tv” and then back to Maroon 5’s astoundingly average post 2010’s garbage chart toppers.

There were so many rumors going around about this halftime show. Travis Scott was going to propose to Kylie but instead arrived on stage in a Sharknado-level bad CGI asteroid looking like he just woke up from a nap. Big Boi was rumored to be bringing out Andre 3000 for an Outkast reunion for A-Town. And Adam Levine teased him singing a full version of the best 80’s stadium anthem to come out of a children’s cartoon show, and instead sang annoying songs and stripped.

So yeah, guess what? If Adam Levine showing his nipples on tv is what people wanna get pissed about I’ll get behind it. This dude spent all week getting more d-bag things permanently written on his body (see: ‘CALIFORNIA’ across his stomach) instead of learning the words to a 2 minute ballad that millions were begging for. He decided to continue his long career of being a boring white guy walking NBC advertisement and play songs written by marketing-robots to make 45 white women get sexually excited.

You let everyone down, Adam. We were all Squidward. We wanted to show everyone we could be better. The world could come together to do something amazing. But unlike Spongebob, you let us down. You continued to play instruments like mayonnaise and tried every way to deceive people into thinking your performance was something cool, when it wasn’t. I speak for all of us extremely online petitioners when I say, our dreams died last night on that M-shaped stage.

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F you and your nipples Adam. Consider yourself lucky the Pats won last night or I woulda been 10x angrier and fought you and your 110lbs of loser irl. You didn’t even deserve to be on the same field as those men. They have honor. They earned their place on that stage. They earned the applause and the awards and joy they brought to fans. Not you.

Adam Levine, you are the Squilliam of modern music.

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