[At the Club]
All the independent ladies who don’t need a man this Valentine’s Day, let me hear ya say ‘OOOOKAY’!
Now fellas, if you’re single and not tryna get tied down, let me hear ya say ‘Yeahhhhhh’!
Now everybody in the club!
*puts mouth directly on microphone*
if you’re at the club to distract yourself from your crippling loneliness lemme hear ya say “this is an unhealthy way to cope with my personal issues”
Everybody in the Club: “this uh…this is an unhealthy way…to…uh, cope with my…my personal issues?”
It’s V-day and you know what that means, NOTHING! If you’re single, literally this day means absolutely NOTHING! You can carry on like a normal human being and have a regular old Thursday night. I’m gonna warm up some frozen pizza, watching a few episodes of Parks n Rec, drinking an entire bottle of Jameson, and crying myself to sleep. Just like any other Thursday. But if you’re insecure about not having a significant other (unlike me, obviously) here are 10 ways to let everyone know that you are TOTALLY cool being single and you don’t need anybody to make you happy except YOU! Ok, here we go,
#1) Just Get A Boyfriend or Girlfriend
Nobody likes a whiner, ok. The best way to be ok with being single on Valentine’s Day is to just not be single. If you really wanna get cuffed there are a million ways to get a bf or gf in just a few hours. Get your phone out, download Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Grinder, OkCupid, Match, FarmersOnly, ChristianMingle, and whatever other dating app you can get your pudgy little fingers on and then use those same pudgy little fingers to swipe right until they bleed. You’re probably going to get at least double digit matches, and they’re probably a just crazy enough to be down to start a relationship immediately (remember, they matched with you of all people). DM each one of them “do you wanna date me?” and then just wait for the burn victim whose favorite band is Nickelback and whose favorite show is The Big Bang Theory to respond “Hell yeah baby let’s do some open mouth tongue kissing” and there ya go, you’re one half of a happy couple.
#2) Get Liposuction and Post An Instagram In Workout Clothes
You know how when you’re single you say “I’m just working on myself right now” in order to let people know you aren’t depressed when in reality you are self-destructing by isolating yourself, lying in bed for an unhealthy amount of hours, and binge drinking/eating? Well, if you want to show everyone that you really were working on yourself, get lipo and post a workout pic! People will be like “damn! They we’re really taking this self-care thing seriously! They got hot since I saw them…last weekend”
#3) Or, You Could Order A Pizza
Ok, um, yes? Go off? We stan a hungry king and/or queen? That’s right singlezzzz, order the biggest pizza that can fit through your front door for dinner on Valentine’s Day and make sure to post the hell out of it on your Instagram story. Maybe say something cute like “the only valentine I need” or “Pizza is bae” and let the people soak in that lighthearted bubbly humor that is masking a deep fear of intimacy you’ve been suppressing since the last time you felt an emotional connection to someone.
#4) Adopt A Child
You know how hard it is being a parent? Do you know how much harder it is to be a single parent? No person in there right mind would adopt a kid while single…unless they were independent and didn’t need any help in raising a child to be an upstanding member of society. It’s the ultimate flex to adopt a baby whilst single. Maybe even get a little crazy and try to adopt a foreign baby. That takes a few extra years, but ya know, you’re just so comfortable with yourself you don’t mind the mental toll that will take on you. And not to mention, your baby will be so happy to know the only reason you’re their legal guardian is because you wanted to spite your exes. Who cares if they don’t get genuine love and attention, a petty win against enemies is a win nonetheless for everybody!
#5) Tell Everyone You Know That Capitalism Invented Valentine’s Day to Sell Stuff
Of course you’re doing fine on “Valentine’s Day”… because it’s not even a real holiday, idiots. Businesses wanted to sell more cards, chocolates, romantic comedies, wine, jewelry, and false hope by inventing this “day of love”. Do you know why it’s called “Valentine’s” Day? I bet you think Saint Valentine was the patron saint of “love” or “companionship” or something? WRONG. Saint Valentine was the patron saint of BEEKEEPING and EPILEPSY. That shit is straight from History.com I’m not making this up. Look, I think bugs and spasms created by strobe lights are as sexy as the next guy, but to make a whole holiday out of it is a stretch. You guys have fun “being in love” and “celebrating the deep meaningful relationship you’ve built together” while I go about my business like an Atheist on Easter Sunday.
#6) Join the Priesthood
I know this is obvious but I mean, what says “I’m ok being single” better than committing to a life of celibacy. The only relationships you need in your life are with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, CAN I GET AN AMEN!?!
#7) Own Up To Your Mistakes and Ask Your Ex to Take You Back
Nothing shows personal growth and being ok while single quite like admitting you were wrong and then being accepted back into a past loves arms. Of course you made some mistakes in your past relationships, who hasn’t!? Maybe you changed the channel while they were watching their favorite show…c’mon man! Maybe you forgot their birthday one year…uh oh! Maybe you made out with her aunt at her little brother’s Bar Mitzvah but you were raised as a Christian and thought that her aunt coming on to you could’ve been a Jewish tradition of sorts…whoopsie daisy! Regardless, nothing says “I’m doing ok!” like admitting you messed up and asking for forgiveness. (Jessica I’m truly sorry. I still love you. I swear I thought it was a part of your culture.)
#8) Enjoy An Ice Cold Diet Coke
Look, some people like Diet Cokes, me? Yeah, sure. Better than not having a Diet Coke. Couple of guys walking down the street, drinking Diet Cokes, it’s no big deal. You like it? Then drink it! It’s refreshing, it’s zero calories, and I ~vibe~ with it. So I put it up to my mouth, and let it go down my throat-hole. Use promo code ‘PARM’ to get $2 off your next 18 pack! Diet Coke, Because I Can #ad #sponsored #maybe #imtestingoutwhatsponsoredcontentcouldlooklike
#9) Go To Olive Garden
When you’re there, you’re family. And legally, that makes the waitress your wife.
#10) Date Me
Oh my god what??? What the freaking heck?! Who put this in here?!? Who put this everyday normal unedited photo of me in here?!? One of the interns?! Ugh! Someone’s in trouble! I mean, I guess if it’s up here, ha ha, I am “single” lol I am what some would say “ready to mingle” lmao but like only if you are ha ha ha just kidding but like yeah my DM’s are open AS A JOKE OF COURSE! You guys are freaking bananas! Get of town ha ha unless you’re down but if not OH MY GOD MY FRIEND STOLE MY LAPTOP AND UPDATED THE POST WITH THIS IM SORRY!
Folks, they call me cupid for a reason…because I wear diapers and shoot arrows at unsuspecting people on a regular basis, so you can trust me with all of this Valentine’s Day advice. If these tips can’t help you, you’re probably doomed to be single and sad forever…unless you feel like putting on some blue jeans, sitting on the couch, and taking a big gulp of a Diet Coke and saying to yourself “hey? Life ain’t half bad!”
Diet Coke, Drink Me or Don’t, I Couldn’t Care Less