If Bradley Cooper Really Wanted An Oscar He Would’ve Peed His Pants At The Grammys Last Night

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The 61st Grammy’s were last night and the Oscar-Nominated Lady Gaga stole the show. She got brought up on stage right at the beginning next to some of the most influential women in the world including the hottest middle age woman of all time (Jennifer Lopez), the former First Lady of the United States and all-around popping off activist (Michelle Obama), and the wife of the terrifying CGI Genie from the new Aladdin movie (Jada Pinkett Smith).

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Despite that disturbingly thicc blue Will Smith debuting to the world last night, Gaga still made headlines by winning 3 Grammys and performing her song “Shallow” from A Star Is Born.

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But notice that it is just Gaga. No one else. Not her director, duet-partner and on-screen co-star Bradley Cooper….to which I say…

WHAT THE HELL BRADLEY?

In the movie a huge momentously pivotal scene takes place AT THE GRAMMYS. And where exactly was Braddy Coops? At the BAFA’s…aka the British Academy Film Awards.

DUDE. JUST SKIP THEM. Your character in the movie sings COUNTRY music. As in the COUNTRY of the UNITED STATES of AMERICA. This man might as well have said he hated the troops by going to the British Oscars. I might go as far to say it’s treason. Why am I being so harsh? Why am I so angry? Because,

THE MOST IMPORTANT SPOILER ALERT FOR A STAR IS BORN POSSIBLE

BRADLEY COOPER PEES HIS PANTS AT THE GRAMMYS AND HE DIDN’T RECREATE THAT SCENE LAST NIGHT.

That’s right. In the movie A Star Is Born, already decorated with multiple prestigious awards and nominations, Bradley Cooper’s character goes up on stage at the Grammy’s and wets himself in front the entire world.

To be clear, in the movie this is a very dark moment. In the context of the film it is a heartbreaking rock-bottom for a character who has dealt with serious personal issues his entire life…but out of context it is absolutely hilarious. I mean a grown man standing on stage with piss dripping down his pant leg is inherently a hysterical image.

This obviously became somewhat of a meme and an easy joke to make online, but a funny one nonetheless. So when they got up on stage together for the Golden Globes a few weeks ago, I was almost sure some sort of joke would be made, especially because the GG’s are supposed to be the fun award show where the hosts make inappropriate jokes and everyone gets hammered. But NOPE, they just got up with elegance and grace and discussed their gorgeous film.

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I thought I was in on the joke. They weren’t gonna pull out the pee pants at the globes, it didn’t happen at the Golden Globes it happened at the Grammy’s. We’ll just wait for the Grammy’s and I’m sure they’ll do something.

So last night the Grammy’s came and went and there wasn’t a drop of urination on that stage (from what I know, wouldn’t be super shocked if Dolly Parton went numb from the plastic surgery and let a little leak out).

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Gaga was performing Shallow, she was a lock for multiple awards, the media kept saying “Brad’s not here!” but I thought maybe it was gonna be a big “surprise guest” bring-out. Like when Taylor Swift says she’s “not bringing a special guest out” but then you see Ed Sheeran’s ginger noggin rising up from underneath the stage and the crowd goes wild.

I was incorrect though.

He did not deliver. And I was devastated.

THIS WAS HIS CHANCE. He didn’t pee himself at the Golden Globes, he didn’t pee himself at the Grammy’s…This man could’ve had the EGOT of peeing his pants and he is BLOWING IT. At this point I’m so desperate I would’ve even taken a little peepee pants at the freaking SAG awards but NOPE, Bradley kept his slacks dry as an Arizona desert for those too like a COWARD.

I bet a lot of you think this this is a smart move by Bradley. “Him peeing his pants would discredit the movie mr.chickenparm, it would make a mockery of an important emotional scene”. Well, I beg to differ. If Bradley peed his pants at the Grammy’s I for one would think he’s still just method acting. He is so deep in the Jackson Maine character that when he sees his “Ally” on stage accepting a Grammy, he had no choice but to interrupt her special moment and let some bodily fluids loose. That’s what a real actor would’ve done. After Gaga is all “embarrassed” they just take a moment, bow, and say in unison “for your consideration”, and then they clean up at the Oscars. It’s a foolproof plan.

Look, Gaga’s been putting the team on her back Cooper. While you’ve been taking a metaphorical knee during the national anthem by going to the “big fancy europe award show”, she’s been here in the states having to tell them same stories to reporters about how she’s “just an Italian girl from New York” and how “all it takes is for one person in the room to believe in you”. She’s been performing this song everywhere and gassing you up while you’ve just been whining about how you didn’t get nominated for best director.

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If you really wanted to get some awards, you would’ve committed to your character, to the promotion of your film, and to a scene that you yourself wrote…by peeing at the Grammy’s. Otherwise, anyone could do your job, including me.

4 comments

  1. Glad you are proud of your country but theatre hit the uk (Britain) hundreds of years before America.
    Britain may not have the limelight of the US, however the caliber of actors that come out of the uk I believe (‘I believe’ meaning my opinion) is generally far superior than the US. And that’s my opinion, so please remind yourself that your ‘blog’ bashing a man who for choosing to be at the BAFTAS over the Grammys is your opinion. And a shitty one at that. Why don’t you spend your time on making the world a better place than bashing on someone who is talented and recognises talent, including that of the UK.

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    1. Hi Noneya, I think we’re focused on the wrong point here. I love the UK, fish and chips is one of my favorite meals, Harry Potter is one of the few books I’ve actually read, and I think anything said in a British accent is automatically funnier than an American saying it. That wasn’t the point of this post, it was to bring our countries together. We can unite in our grievances that Bradley cooper hasn’t peed himself in public at all since A Star Is Born came out. Not once! It’s such an easy hilarious bit and yet he won’t do it! I would hope as an allied country you’d show support in getting him to soil himself on live TV with me.

      Like

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