Posted by The 62nd annual Grammy’s were held this past Sunday and it was…ya know…an award show.
If you actually think award shows have any validity you’re a certified big dumb idiot. You really think Ford V. Ferrari deserved to get nominated for BEST PICTURE at the Oscars this year? A 2+ hour long movie that’s basically old ass Fast and Furious if they abide by the laws of physics? No shot. But you know who loves movies about white dudes racing cars in the 60’s? Old white dudes who raced cars in the 60’s. And guess what? THEY’RE THE ONES RUNNING THE SHOW.
These are the same creepy old white dudes who had Billie Eilish’s 18th birthday marked on their calendars and voted for her in every category so they could text her afterwards and say “omg congrats on the win! wyd after this tho?” And these Jeffrey EpSTANs are the rich and powerful who are behind every award show. The Emmys, the Golden Globes, the Kids Choice Awards, you name it. I mean, if you really think Sam from iCarly deserved to win Best TV Sidekick in 2011 over Gibby you are out of your fucking mind.
A woman who works for the Grammy’s even recently came out and accused the CEO of the Recording Academy (who puts on the award show) of sexual assault and MASSIVE voter fraud, racism, sexism, and tampering. These allegations are making headlines but…was anyone surprised? I mean, when Macklemore won Best Rap Album over Magna Carta Holy Grail, Yeezus, Nothing Was the Same, and Good Kid MAAD CITY…was it not clear how racist they were? They might as well have presented the award in pointy white hoods. I’m not a Macklemore hater and it’s no fault of his, but there’s only one logical explanation for the guy behind “Thrift Shop” to win over Jay-Z, Kanye, Kendrick Lamar and Drake, and it’s that the voters hate black people. That’s just a cold hard fact.
So how do we fix the problem with the Grammy’s? Lean into the stupidity. No one thinks any of the awards have credibility anyways and they only present like 5 of them on actual television so why not just double down on how pointless these awards are and have fun with it?
Ideas to Make the Grammy’s More Fun
It’s now or never to implement these changes. People don’t want to watch the awards on TV anymore because they get all the highlights from teenagers on twitter and Instagram via memes. If you really want to earn their eyeballs, start NOW. Or it’ll be a slippery slope and the next thing you know the Grammy’s are going to be an annual Snapchat Show hosted by Jake Paul. So put these changes in place ASAP.
Have a Dress Code…And Not The Fancy Kind
There’s absolutely no theme or guideline of how to dress at the Grammy’s. This means 95% of the people show up in boring dresses and tuxes to blend into the sea of wealthy people in hopes of sneaking past Ryan Seacrest on the Red Carpet before he tries to sign them into a 5-year reality show contract for E!
That other 5% that doesn’t follow the norm though? That’s where we strike GOLD baby. Outfits are what get memed. If you have an account on any of the social medias, you’ve seen this video.
YUP. My man KNEW this was gonna get memed into oblivion. It’s a win win. He gets press. We get entertained. And the best part is, you don’t even have to do something crazy to get buzz. Ezra Koenig literally accepted his Grammy for best Alternative Album looking like a college senior who smoked a bowl and called an Uber to taco bell but accidentally got dropped off at the Staples Center.
My mans was straight up wearing socks and sandals and his acceptance speech was just straight up “thank you”. Unreal. Pick any theme that would lead to more mechanical hats and goofy footwear. The nation will thank you.
Get A Host Who Has Even A Single Crumb of Fun In Their Body
Look, Alicia Keys is a sweetheart. She’s an insanely talented musician. She brings good peaceful vibes. She handled the news following Kobe’s death as best as anyone could…but God I just wish she had a single interesting bone in her body. Is it really that hard to find a host who doesn’t have homophobic tweets from 2012?!? We had to have Alicia Keys host “Music’s Biggest Night” in the year 2020?!? I don’t believe it.
I would love nothing more than to have a comedian open up the awards with a roast of how stupid so many of the artists are. Everyone loves jokes making fun of musicians. The kid at the party who whips out his guitar and plays Wonderwall has been put on blast since the song itself was written, and why? Because it’s objectively funny as hell.
My pitch? Just let the Lonely Island host the whole thing. Basically make a funny music video for each category with all the nominated artists. You’d get a ton of viral clips, artists can show off their fun side, and we wouldn’t have to watch Alicia walk around in the aisles to ask if Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton have talked to LL Cool J yet.
What were they going for with this? What was this supposed to be? Why Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani?
Well, that actually might be answered in my next idea.
GET PERFORMERS PEOPLE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT
There were some TOUGH performances at the Grammy’s this year. First of all, it kicked off with Lizzo performing the same medley of 3 songs she’s been performing at every award show since 2018. I love her music. She makes bangers. She deserves awards. But if I have to watch her play the jazz flute during Truth Hurts on television one more time I am going to let the Postmates driver she doxxed for stealing her chicken nuggets run me over with her car.
And who could they get to follow up one of the hottest stars in the music industry? Who were the first performers to come out after Alicia opened up the festivities? None other than…Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani!
…
WHO. IN THEIR RIGHT MIND. GIVES TWO SHITS ABOUT THESE TWO PERFORMING.
I mean, I know Moms love The Voice but maybe shove them at the back of the lineup when everyone goes to bed because they’ve gotta get up for work in the morning. You’re gonna have these 2 batting second? The only performances anyone talked about were Billie Eilish because she’s the trendiest pop star at the moment, Tyler the Creator who put on an unbelievable spectacle of a performance, and Demi Lovato because she cried.
No offense but Gwen and Blake, Jonas Brothers, Usher, Tanya Tucker, Aerosmith, Demi Lovato…is that not the same lineup they had back in 2011? And I get Alicia is hosting but we really let her try to promote a single no one’s heard of? That’s a precious 5 minute spot! Let Vampire Weekend or Bon Iver or even Lana Del Rey perform there! They were nominated for Album of the Year for God’s sake! I assume it’s just how much they pay or have connections to or whatever their marketing people think will reach the most amount of people but dear lord I’d listen to a 15 minute remix of Old Town Road featuring Mason Ramsey, Young Thug, Billy Ray Cyrus, Frankie Jonas, BTS, Smash Mouth, the Cantina Band from Star Wars and Peppa Pig before you got me to watch more than 2 minutes of Steven Tylers wrinkly ass marching around stage basically begging to get #MeToo’d before the show ends.
Scrap All of the Old Awards and The Process of How They’re Voted For
The awards already make zero sense. You’re telling me there’s an award for Song of the Year AND Record of the Year? Like most people, I assumed this was just an excuse to award 2 different songs and I was totally fine with it. Give the 2 biggest bangers the awards, everyone’s happy. But the Grammy’s said NOPE! We don’t know the difference between these 2 categories either so we’re just gonna give both to “bad guy”!
Just annoying. Even if you don’t truly believe there’s another “song” or “record” better than it, give it to two separate slappers! Who cares!?! Nobody! And if the voters we’re really doing it strictly based on what they truly believed without outside factors, Nipsey Hussle wouldn’t have gotten 2 awards. Huge RIP to the guy and I think he was great influence on rap, but his DJ Khaled song “Higher” won and it is absolute trash. The only reason I assume it won is because of his death and because DJ Khaled performed it on stage as a tribute.
So if you don’t care about the rules, make more fun awards and give one trophy to every artist like it’s a U9 soccer tournament. “Best Comeback” should go to Vampire Weekend. “Best Song to Listen to Drunk” goes to Truth Hurts. “Most Overplayed Song You’re Weirdly Not Sick of Yet” goes to Old Town Road. All the fans just want to see their artist win, we don’t care if the awards legit or not, because we already know, it isn’t.
Also, maybe start some shit! I want to see “Biggest Let Down of the Year” go to Chance the Rapper. I want to see “Most Annoying Fans” go to Taylor Swift. I want to see “Had a Massive Hit Single This Year Despite Being a Known Domestic Abuser to One of America’s Favorite Female Artists” go to Chris Brown, now THAT people would get rowdy for. And if they’re not getting rowdy for the shady awards, let’s liquor them up.
MORE BOOZE
Musicians love booze. That’s just a fact. And if there’s anything A Star Is Born taught us, it’s that when musicians don’t drink booze they get even more mentally ill and die. So why not get them Jackson Maine-level plastered and hope one of them pees at the Grammy’s for our entertainment, huh? Why not!
Half of the Golden Globes speeches started off with “well, I didn’t expect to win and I’m hammered, but uhhhh…” and imagine how much better the Grammy’s would be if they went the same way? And not the just the speeches, the performances too. I don’t need a well-choreographed concert experience from Halsey and BTS. I want to see Post Malone and Maggie Rogers drunkenly sing piano man. That’s it. That would be awesome. Or at least more awesome than having to hear GWEN STEFANI AND FREAKING BLAKE SHELTON SING A DUET. (Yes, I’m still upset the even set foot on that stage).
In Conclusion
I’m trying to help you out, ok Grammy’s? I’m doing you a favor. To be honest, I couldn’t care less if you do any of this because your show, and the Oscars and the Golden Globes having ZERO credibility is part of the fun. Arguing about why one artist got nominated over other and getting even more pissed when the worst one wins is all part of what makes award shows so great. So, next year when Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are hosting the whole damn thing, I’m probably not even going to watch and stick to where the real fun is: online baby.
djchickenparm.com 