Ranking the 2020 Presidential Candidates Strictly By How Cool Their Merch Is

Although it feels like the 2020 election has been going on since 2016, we’re still just shy of a year out from actually getting a new president. Once Trump won in 2016 everyone thought “oh wow, if this idiot can win, why can’t I?”, and threw their hat in the ring. Kanye West even said he would run in 2020 during the time when he was wearing the MAGA hat, not realizing that the head accessory he was wearing all the time was a huge part of the reason Trump won the election in this first place. His shitty merch.

Something about the red hat perfectly shaped for racist 80 year old men’s heads with “Make America Great Again” in a font less interesting than Times New Roman caught fire. It became a symbol for his supporters, a perfect accessory for a Halloween costume, and an ironic joke for hipsters until, well, it wasn’t. So now that the 2020 election is upon us, and unfortunately fashion genius Kanye West isn’t running, every candidate has to find the next piece of merch that catches storm. That will ultimately decide who wins. So I dove into the top 9 most important candidates’ Official Online Stores to see what kinda pieces they’re providing to their supporters to get those promotional fits off, and ranked them accordingly.

9. Joe Biden

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This shouldn’t be too big of a shock here. Biden thinks he’s had this locked up since Hilary lost in 2016 and absolutely phoned it in on the designs here. He definitely paid the 16 year old kid down the street a nickel to use the skills he learned in his Graphic Design 1 elective to make his merch because he thinks the only people who still wear T Shirts are minorities and people who work for The Facebook. Look at these boring ass shirts and tell me you couldn’t have done this in Microsoft Word in about 4 minutes.

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First of all, I hate how hippie these statements are when you know Joe’s the kind of guy that calls the cops on your house when you’re playing Bob Marley on the Alexa at the cookout because he assumes you’re smoking reefer next door. Second of all, these look like shirts my mom would buy at Life Is Good without having any idea Former Vice President Joe Biden was involved with it. Even worse than the shirts my mom would buy, are the shirts that dads would buy. Every dad has that one goofy shirt that says like “A Bad Day Golfing Is Better Than a Good Day At the Office!” and Biden really ran with that idea on these embarrassingly awful tees.

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…Release Your Tax Returns Or Shut Up with a cartoon orange trump as the “O” is irredeemable. He could have Louis Vuitton and Virgil Abloh make “Off White” Biden merch and his shop would still be last solely because of this shirt. Cringey as hell. Biden’s got to stick to what he knows and sell ties, socks, and whatever else misogynistic businessmen were wearing in the 1960’s. The most fire thing in here is a collegiate sweatshirt and even Mitch Mcconnell couldn’t F that up.

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Yeah I said it. This guy could make an OK collegiate sweatshirt. Sure he looks like a bowl of oatmeal (and not in the thicc sense), but that’s the point. Collegiate sweatshirts will always be cool no matter what boring breakfast-faced man is behind them.

8. Michael Bloomberg

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Ahh yes Mike Bloomberg. The guy who has spent 100 Million in advertising for his campaign and will 100% confirmed not be the President of the United States come next year. Where could he have invested this money? Into putting out the fires in the Amazon, or donating to Cancer Research, or helping with disaster relief in Puerto Rico, or literally anything else…but nope! Gotta flush 100 mil down the drain to make a no-shot run at being the most powerful man in America and make some bland merch in attempts to help my cause! What a loser. Let’s look at some of the “swag” in his store.

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Alright man. I agree with you on this point but this shirt is just not it. It comes off very “I’m smarter than you” and from a billionaire nonetheless it’s very condescending.

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Again, just kinda taking shots at the opposition here in a boring way. The witch hunt thing doesn’t make sense when Trump says it so you adding more to it on a mug just makes it even more stupid.

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This one pisses me off the most. Like this logo would be great for an environmentalist non-profit or something but you’re an old white billionaire and former mayor of New York City you’re not a hippie man. I mean, look at this bag!

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This is for girls wearing flower crowns to bring their portable charger and hydro-flask around Coachella. Not for supporting Billionaire Mike Bloomberg to run the country.

And lastly, another shirt that is just trying way too hard.Screen Shot 2020-01-13 at 8.43.42 PM.png

Science. Not political science. What a nerd. Get stuffed into a locker (and by that I mean just sit in your mansion and leave us all alone how hard is that to do).

7. Pete Buttigieg

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I mean, not to enforce stereotypes or anything but I really thought the first gay presidential candidate would’ve been able to make some more aesthetically pleasing clothes. Everyone knows the best dressed guys are gay and the ones that aren’t gay have gay stylists. This dude completely dropped the ball. If he had an ounce of support within the gay community I would assume he’d get at least one guy who watched enough Project Runway to consult on these things. There isn’t much in the store but these are some of the highlighted items.

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WTF is this? Just a shirt with good things written on it? Is his next shirt gonna be,

Puppies

Weighted Blankets

Tom Hanks

A Light Rain When Sleeping

World Peace

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies

Love

??? What a cop out. And this is the only sweatshirt in the store.

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I mean, the good news is only real hardcore fans of Pete are going to be wearing this. No one is buying it just because it looks cool. The person wearing this is a confirmed vote and then some. Probably knocking on doors campaigning for the man.

His merch is just nothing special, it’s not actively awful like Biden’s or Bloomberg’s, but it’s still bad. He managed to make an OK beanie and that’s why he’s only the 3rd worst on this list as opposed to the garbage before him.

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6. Donald Trump

This Trump Store website is absolutely hilarious. It’s pretty obvious to see who was modeling on the site for a paycheck and who is there because they love Trump. For example, this guy? .Screen Shot 2020-01-13 at 7.41.48 PM.png

Paycheck. And this guy?

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Wishes being gay wasn’t a sin so he could kiss President Trump on the lips.

The handsome jacked black dude with tattoos has done modeling before. Guy probably took a photo with a green screen tee on and sold the rights to use it to whoever would pay, which is great. Get that bag.

The second guy? Looks like a dude who goes to high school football games with a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a shotgun incase any of the players decide they wanna pull a Kaepernick while the school’s Acapella group performs the national anthem. And also, does not have any children playing in the game.

Unlike Joe’s you can tell Trump had a hand in this merch because it’s scarily on brand.Screen Shot 2020-01-13 at 7.48.20 PM.png

“Snowflake”, the flag, a bald eagle, this design was definitely poorly drawn by Trump himself on a napkin at Hooters.

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He legit did the same thing with the “O” that Biden did! It’s like what I’ve done as a coping mechanism my entire life, make fun of yourself to take the power away from the bully. This makes Biden’s shirt even lamer because you know it doesn’t bother Trump in the slightest, but it doesn’t make this shirt cooler by any means either.

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This man has a damn FOOTBALL JERSEY. As much as I’m sure no one wearing this has an athletic bone in their body, gotta give him credit for thinking outside the box.

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I’m…I’m just gonna let this one speak for itself.

The coolest thing he’s got as far as apparel is this sweatshirt that is plain and simple just a Nautica/Polo Ralph Lauren knockoff.

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But his best merch comes as no surprise. It’s the hats. Trump’s bread and butter. I mean, look at this MAGA hat.

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It’s like a cool retro roped snapback? Looks like it could be a Vintage polo cap? So sick. Even the official President’s USA hat is kinda sick.

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And look at this Fire Fighters for Trump Trucker Hat that is super specific but also FIRE itself!

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I don’t know what to say! I guess the dude with the infamously horrible hair knows what goes into making a great hat! Who woulda thought!

 

Besides the hats the only reason he’s ahead of these other guys is because my expectations were disgustingly low. I was expecting shirts that said like “Yeah I’m LIBERAL.

L(oving)

I(ndependence)

B(eer)

(The) E(conomy)

R(ight to bear Arms)

A(nd)

L(adies)!”

So this was a step up. Given the fact that no republican is going to be a good fashion designer he did ok for himself. For that, he gets this very OK spot.

5. Elizabeth Warren

This was a tough call. Warren is very hit or miss with her merch. She’s got 7 pages worth of items in her shop and it really seems like she was just tossing everything at the wall and seeing what stuck. She definitely nailed it with this straight up “W” logo, looking like it’s the Wayne Enterprises T-Shirt Batman would give out at the annual corporate retreat.

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She even is one of the few candidates with a decent baseball hat.

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Straight up navy blue dad hat, can’t go wrong. And my favorite piece in her whole collection is this absolute grail.

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LMAO. It’s just her dog I think? Surrounded by flower stitching on a black t-shirt? It rules man! Idk how else to put it! It’s kinda got those vibes of that Wolf T Shirt you got at Walmart for 7 bucks to wear “ironically” but you actually end up loving it and thinking it looks cool. But that’s cuz it does look cool…these items, do not.

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Oh boy. This is some real mom-targeted Facebook Advertising design work here. The font is garbage, it’s hard to read…just absolute not it. Speaking of hard to read, can someone please tell me what this shit is supposed to say?

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She just lost the People with Astigmatism vote as far as I’m concerned. How am I supposed to decode that finger-painted cursive? Maybe it’s a good thing, because the worst stuff in her store is the accessories which unfortunately, I can read.Screen Shot 2020-01-13 at 10.25.59 PM.png

But first, COFFEE! LOL! I can’t persist unless I have my morning cup o’ joe! Again, clearly made by someone who has seen way too many Facebook ads.Screen Shot 2020-01-13 at 10.25.44 PM.png

Nah. I’m sorry Liz but you confirmed do not drink alcoholic beverages from a can so don’t go making koozies trying to get the degenerate vote ok. I believe Biden’s a booze hound for sure, you seen the way he talks on stage? Guy’s probably hammered more often than he’s sober. But Elizabeth Warren? The only thing she’s drinking out of a can is a Diet Canada Dry to calm her stomach when the Tour Bus gets a little bumpy.

All in all, her store has enough good stuff to outweigh the not great stuff. And you can tell people are responding well to it too. I mean, if you want to get your hands on a Purr-sist cat collar, you’re gonna have to wait in line pal.

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4. Tom Steyer

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All I know is that this dude is the billionaire who won’t stop running ads while I’m watching Jeopardy. Despite being extremely rich though, he doesn’t seem out of touch with the average person from this merch. It’s all pretty normal. Even the obligatory “impeachment” tee that most democrats have a version of in their store looks like something you’d pay $40 for at Urban Outfitters.

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He’s got the “graphic tee” look kinda nailed. Even in this shirt that just repeats his name a bunch looks cooler than a lot of other candidates.

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The bad news here is the same for most candidates: he just has a boring name. Tom, Pete, Amy, Joe, Elizabeth…it’s tough making those names sound interesting. People like Bernie and Donald Trump were born into a huge advantage just because their names are slightly unique. “Barack Obama” hit the jackpot when his parents took the pen to his birth certificate. But through this adversity, Tom made do. Guy even made a hydro flask so I gotta give him some credit!

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3. Amy Klobuchar

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Klobuchar from the rafters! She’s got some kinda cool merch considering I have no idea who she is or what she stands for! (Please disregard these comments if she’s got old racist tweets I don’t know about or something). But she kinda nailed down a sweet vibe here! Especially killing the accessory game with a classic beanie.

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And these FIRE patterned socks.

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I would easily rock these bad boys! Speaking of bad boys, check out this crewneck on her site.Screen Shot 2020-01-13 at 8.27.11 PM.png

The definition of Grit??? Let’s absolutely go. This is a College Football coaches Tuesday Morning practice crewneck. Wear this with a pair of jeans and some new balances and you’ll be nailing the “hot dad” look. Not much else to look at but just from those pieces alone I’m sorta thinkin Amy is on to something here! (Again, PLEASE disregard if she’s racist).

2. Bernie Sanders

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Bernie is another dude with over 7 pages worth of merch on his site, but in my opinion, it’s for a good reason. This dude really went all out coming up with some fire. He even has a whole filter dedicated to “artist for Bernie” and they made some absolute HEAT.

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70s/80s disco looking logo of him through the years? GAS.

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Trippie poster where the dude is green and there’s purple fists raised in the air? SICK.

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This FIRE coach’s jacket??? This has got that real streetwear look you see selling for $250 at high end sneaker stores. And look at this hilarious tote bag!

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Little circular Bernie just marching along! Little guy is adorable! But even his basic non-artist stuff is great.

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Classic beanie. You can’t go wrong. Every candidate who has done a beanie has made a nice one. If you’re a candidate without one you don’t have the brains to be president. End of story.

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This crewneck is something I legitmately want. It’s simple, looks cool, goes with just about anything, he nailed it. But of course, because he’s a wicked old white dude, he missed the mark a few times. Like with this mug…Screen Shot 2020-01-13 at 10.43.19 PM.png

Yeah. Looks like the kind your Grandma gets you for Christmas. She went to CVS and got a picture of you two eating Ice Cream in Cape Cod printed onto a mug for some reason. You’re only 9 what are you using a mug for? You only drink gatorade, apple juice, water, milk, and the occasional Sprite at a family party if your mom says it’s ok. You have no need for a mug. Just as no one would ever need this tote bag.

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Can we agree the “Keep Calm” format is cancelled? It sucks eggs so freaking hard. I hate it so much. Half the time it doesn’t even make sense. Bernie, you had me going for a bit but you hit one of my biggest pet peeves with this one. Probably could’ve nailed the top spot but this one bag certainly docked you. Let’s see who beat you out because of this.

1. Andrew Yang

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YANG GANG, RISE UP! Andrew Yang absolutely rules. Man’s a wicked rich funny guy and is lasting way longer in this race than I think anyone thought. Dude goes “I wanna give everyone a thousand dollars a month” and the people are EATING IT UP. Why? Because he’s unconventional! Just like his merch!

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What is this? Just a picture of Yang in 1992 when he was an absolute STUD. Look at that hair! Dude was an absolute heartthrob! If you want to rock this tee, you’ll probably want to rock this as well…Screen Shot 2020-01-13 at 10.58.52 PM.png

THIS IS ON THE MAN’S ACTUAL 2020 CAMPAIGN WEBSITE! Straight up punk band president! These kind of big graphic concert tees are making a huge comeback and by boy Yang said he wanted in on the action!

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Yup. You’re seeing that correctly. It’s a damn calculator. Yang is a nerd, in the coolest way. His catchy abbreviation MATH stands for “Make America Think Harder”. No one is doing it like he is. He is running for the 3020 campaign all these other candidates are a century behind.

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This is a koozie I can get behind. Yang is a huge supporter of federal legalization of Marijuana and ALSO the legalization of PSYCHEDELICS. Not only would he be a guy to offer you a beer, he’s also got a ziploc baggie of shrooms and is tryna trip balls with you in the damn Oval Office!

And if those are a little too forward for you, he also just absolutely nails the basics.

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Same as Bernie, just a black crewneck with a normal great sized logo. Flames.

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And of course, a beanie. Maybe the best one we’ve seen. He is easily the coolest candidate running right now. By a mile. Childish Gambino endorsed this man…CHILDISH GAMBINO. THE COOLEST MAN ON EARTH ENDORSED HIM. This guy has got an insane following and some fire merch. Give this man the presidency in 2020 and give me my $1K a month please.

djchickenparm

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