Yup. You read that right. A dude, on the Bachelorette. NOT, the dude who IS the Bachelor. Sure, on paper, that seems like the dream. One dude, 25 hot single instagram models trying to cuff you up, makin out with double digit chicks week after week, 3 month vacation living in a mansion, free booze, you’re basically Dan Blizerian except because you’re on a game show no one calls you an asshole. It’s a paradise! Right?
That would be an absolute NIGHTMARE for any sane human being. TWENTY FIVE GIRLS TRYING TO CORNER YOU INTO LIFE-LONG HOLY MATRIMONY. You know how anxiety inducing that would be? Meeting 25 girls in ONE NIGHT??? I platonically talk to one girl at a bar several beers deep and I get home like “Welp! Hit my quota for the month! That took a lot out of me now let’s go see the critically acclaimed film Uncut Gems with the boys instead of trying to meet up with that girl again.”
Issue #1 would be having to hold all of their hands. I’d get the nervous sweats the minute the cameras started rolling. There’d be pit puddles soaking through the 3 layers of my tuxedo. Next thing you know 22 year fashion blogger Brianna P.’s got sweat-pruned hands and I smell like your Grandpa’s duffel bag he brings to the YMCA.
I’d be sitting on the talking bench with someone while they give me a friendship bracelet they made to secure a rose at the first ceremony and another girl would come over and say “Hiiii, can I steal him for a….oh…oh god, ya know what, nevermind. You two keep talking. I’m all set.” and go back to slugging the complimentary Pinot Grigio. Next thing you know it’s the Rose Ceremony and the girls are all doing “noses” to see who has to stay for the next 6-8 weeks. I’d get self conscious, cry in my bedroom, one of the producers would rub my back while I’m the fetal postion saying “it’s ok, it’ll all be ok”, and then they’d cancel the show. It’s a lose lose for everyone.
But…being a contestant on the Bachelorette? WHOLE. OTHER. BALL GAME.
You know who gets on the Bachelorette? Alphas. You’re either ex-military, a senior account executive at a software company, or an “entrepreneur” who is using his dad’s money to try create the first protein powder marketed to teens on Instagram. He calls it “ProTeen” and the Instagram account is just reposts of shitty Gary Vee Tik Toks.
Those guys are competitors, I, am not. I’m 5 foot 8 on a good day, a soft 5 on the attractive scale (hard 6 in the summer when I’m tan), and the extent of my athleticism is that I rode bench on the soccer team in high school. I’ve known since a very young age that if I try to compete against anyone in anything, it’s probably not gonna go my way. So in order to get on the show and kick off my plan, I’d have to trick the casting directors.
I’d have to pretend to be an alpha to get on the show. I’d wear the shoes Tom Cruise wears in movies to hide the fact that he’s 5 “5”, I’d shove steroids into my neck for a month to get some veiny arm anacondas, and I’d start a new job that’s just unique enough where the show can make that my entire personality. Maybe I’d become a commercial lobster-man. I’d say in my audition video I “can’t wait to get my claws on this bachelorette!” or something. They wouldn’t be able to say no.
This is where the fun begins though. Once I’m on the show, I can just buckle up for the adventure of a lifetime. If they let me through it’s a golden ticket. I can write my perfect future from here. Starting with my intro to our bachelorette (who we will just call Brianna P. for the remainder of the blog).
The producers of the Bachelorette are like Genies. If you want to do it, they will make it happen. You want to dress up in a shark costume? Go ahead! You want to show up in a wedding dress! Fine with them! You want to bring a live cow in with you? WHY NOT!
So what do I do on the Bachelor? I roll up in a brand new Lambo with suicide doors. And what comes out once I lift those suicide doors? A whole damn litter of golden retriever puppies.
Why did I do this? Because I look cool as sh*t pulling up in a Lambo and everyone loves cute ass little puppy dogs. It says nothing about me as a person, but if they’re giving us free range to do whatever we want that’s an easy go-to. The other guys can run in wearing their high school football jerseys or roll in on a skateboard and kickflip in front of Brianna P., I’m doing the crowd pleasing gimicks so easy and obvious you didn’t even think of it. I’m playing the hits.
So I get in the house and while everyone else is scoping out the competition waiting for our lady to come back inside, I hit the fridge and start tossing Bud Lights out to the fellas waiting. Some guys are gonna try to stay on their toes so they can really make moves, if anything they’re just carrying around Old Fashioneds to look cool, but they can’t let the devil’s piss in their systems because it could mess up their chance to make a good first impression. So why am I hammering BL’s? To put it simply, I’m a lost cause already. My face and body is the worst first impression you could possibly have. I mean, look at the final 3 dudes from last season.
This is Tyler C. The man’s got a body solid as steel and didn’t even win the competition. Left the show and said, “F it! Imma date Gigi Hadid!” like it was Plan B the whole time.
This is Pilot Pete. Man’s a freaking aviator and looks like all the Chris’s from the Marvel Cinematic Universe were mixed into a brownie batter and baked until golden brown.
And the winner of last season, was Jed. Who came to life after a lonely 30 year old woman rubbed a magic lamp and asked the Genie to make her a husband who made millions appearing in commercials for L.L. Bean and Jeep.
These 3 guys are each 500x more attractive than me and she told 2 of them no. So me even getting remotely close to their level is a big time no. The only way uggos like me make it past the first rose ceremony are by doing some sort of trick. This could be opening up super quickly about your family. For example, start your first conversation by saying, “My mom always said I’d meet the right girl at the right time, I feel like fate brought me on this gameshow to vie for your attention against 20 other guys tonight. Also, she’s dead now and her dying wish was for me to find love.” Unfortunately for me, my moms still alive. So that options out.
Option 2: you can try to get some action before the ceremony so she has to give you a rose or else it looks like she used you and kicked you to the curb. But guys like me can’t make quick moves and have it be hot, guys like me need to become your friend for about 3 months until the girl starts to think “Well, he’s enough of a loser where at least he’ll stay in and watch movies with me when I don’t want to go out” and that’s the angle I’m playing for the Bachelorette. An intentional friend zone.
“Why would you want to be friendzoned? The whole point of the show is to end up in a relationship with the girl?”. Listen, you big dumb idiot, that’s what they want you to think. The real point of this show is to take a 3 month vacation, hang out in a mansion, drink free booze, and be on TV. That’s it! Sure you gotta talk to the girl but the main reason you’re doing that is to stay longer to avoid going back to your boring sad life. So here’s my plan.
I go up to Bri P., probably 6-7 beers deep wearing gym shorts and tie-dye t shirt, I say “Listen, you and I both know I’m at the bottom of the barrel here looks-wise. So this is my proposal. You keep me around till the Final Four, and I’ll be a platonic male friend you can confide in. I’ll be your insider on the guys and tell them what they’re saying about you. You can ask me what people’s deals are. You’ve got a guy friendzoned back home, obviously, you’re hot, so let me be that for you here.” And of course, she bites.
Next thing you know I’m doing canon balls in the deep end organizing games of pool pong with the guys and getting my tan on. There’s dudes crying in the corner about the feelings they have for Brianna and I’m on a lounge chair next to my new best friend Brad making fun of the way he cries. I’m starting rumors about people to get the drama up so the producers love me. And best of all, I’m the one talking to Brianna most because she trusts me, and eventually… she will begin to love me.
It’s down to the Final Four and we’re on our One-On-One date. We planned this on the first day, this is when she doesn’t give me the rose and I go home, having built a great friendship and leaving her with my honest best opinion of who she should pick. As we close out dinner and it becomes game time she asks me. “djchickenparm, my heart is so confused, who should I ask to marry me?” and I will recommend my best friend Brad, obviously. “Brianna, the choice is pretty plain and simple to me. Brad’s a stud and a gentlemen. Not only does he rescue poor children from Tsunami’s as a hobby, but I really do think his ProTeen idea has a shot at blowing up. You gotta get in on the ground floor while you can.” She ponders, and looks at me. She has a moment of pure clarity. “No… I think the person I should pick… has been right in front of me all along”.
I am at first, in shock. She was so out of my league and we had built such a great friendship that I didn’t even think it could be anything more, but now that she shows interest in me I begin to think,
LETS ABSOLUTELY GO! HOLY SH*T! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT. ALL. WOW! SHE’S GONNA REGRET THIS IN A FEW MONTHS BUT THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM BABY. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!
And I say to her, “I…I was thinking the same thing”. We suck face for the remainder of the date and return to the mansion hand in hand. My boys are upset, especially Brad, as he knew I was nothing but a platonic friend to his lover. But once he sees how happy I’ve made her, he does the mature thing and says that if she’s happy, he’s happy. Classic Brad. I told you he’s a good guy. He goes on to become the best man in my wedding, my brother is pissed and all my friends from back home are confused.
After we wed the season becomes the highest rated season of any television series ever. They called it “The Superbowl but every week and on steroids”. Chris Harrison says that since it can’t be topped they’re cancelling the show, and they want me to have the mansion. Me and Brianna move in the with the dozen golden retriever puppies I rolled in with. Days later, while on our honey moon in Bora Bora, I get a call from Bob Iger, CEO of Disney. He asks me for the rights to make a movie about our love story. A year later “More Than Friendzoned” comes to Disney+ starring Ryan Gosling as me and Selena Gomez as Brianna. We collect millions from the tv show, the movie deal and Brianna’s booming modeling career while I stay at home and play with all the puppies.
This is exactly how everything would go down if I got on the Bachelorette. It’s all super realistic and very factual. If you don’t think so, you’re wrong and just jealous that I have a hot rich supermodel wife, 12 dogs, a mansion, a ripped best friend named Brad, millions of dollars, and am handsome enough for Ryan Gosling to play me in a movie. Sorry!