Zooey Deschanel has been one of my top celebrity crushes for a loooooong time. After watching New Girl in it’s entirety for the 3rd time it’s hard not to fall in love with Jessica Day, especially when the most relatable TV character to you is Nick Miller.
I had dreams of dating Zooey Deschanel, but I knew I had to wake up from those dreams as she was married to some dude. That was basically the only reason we couldn’t be together (certainly not the fact that she’s 16 years older than me, famous, a mother, and just straight up out of my league looks-wise). But a glimmer of hope appeared once I read this headline that could truly only come out of the chaotic boiling soup of pop culture that is the year 2019.
So I read this headline and thought, “This is my chance! She split from her husband and is now rebounding with some loser with a witness protection program-ass name like Jonathan Scott? That’ll be over quick!”
I was so naive. I was a boy finding out his high school crush recently dumped her nerdy boyfriend, unaware that she wasn’t looking for another nerd, she had her sights set on the starting quarterback of the football team. And she got him. It turns out the presumed nobody, Jonathan Scott, is actually none other than one of HGTV’s Panty-Dropping Property Brothers.
I’m screwed. I don’t stand a chance. I know what you guys are thinking “which Property Brother is it?” to which I say…Does it F***ING MATTER?” IT. IS. A. PROPERTY. BROTHER. Case closed! It’s either the one who wears 3 piece suits from the 1940’s and shows women houses with walk-in closets or it’s the one who rolls up the sleeves on his Old Navy flannels and spikes up his hair with Old Spice messy-look hair paste. EITHER WAY, SEX WILL BE HAD.
Maybe if Zooey was someone who would be a more appropriate crush for me to have (as in not more than a decade older than me, a parent, and super famous) I could work with this. But she’s 39, and every 39 year old woman on the planet wants a property brother to be their property. For most, this is just a pipe dream, because they assume the brothers are piping each other, but not for Ms. Deschanel. She obtained the unobtainable.
Not to mention Zooey’s the number one quirky crafter in the world. Legend has it she’s never used a pen before, she only signs autographs in feather and ink. She’s never been in a motor vehicle before, she only travels around on unicycle. And she’s never worn anything made of cotton, she only sleeps in night gowns made out of horse hairs. This woman will eat up these crafty bros like she eats up organic avocado-infused granola bars from her local farmer’s market.
The Property Brothers are to Moms as the Jenner Sisters are to frat guys. College dudes look like perverts flipping through Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue but mama grabs a glass of red wine, tosses on HGTV and watches any of the 8 shows the Property Bros host and gets 10 times as horny without judgment. It’s the perfect crime.
The real question here…does this make Zooey Deschanel the hottest 39 year old woman out there? The Property Brothers know the kind of real estate they own in that demographics head (pun intended), and they picked Zooey. What other famous 39 year old women could they have chosen to be their main chick? Uhhh TIFFANY HADDISH, OLIVIA MUNN, VENUS WILLIAMS, REBEL WILSON, KRISTEN BELL. EVER HEARD OF ‘EM?
“But djchickenparm, a bunch of those women are married”, you think that matters to a Property Bro? You think Kristen Bell is home with Dax Shepard watching My Dream Home: Brother vs. Brother, watching Jonathan Scott blow out a wall to open up space in the living room and she’s NOT thinking I wish that was my back? NO SHOT.
A vast majority of people’s romantic aspirations were crushed this past week. Every heterosexual woman over the age of 35 with a wine addiction and a basic cable package, and every 20 something year old who lives with their parents and watches New Girl every night thinking, maybe, just maybe, my immature idiotic fear-of-intimacy having Nick Miller-esque charm could earn my way into Zooeys heart.
Pour one out for us tonight.