Other Bachelor Spin-Offs We Need After “Listen to Your Heart”

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If you watched the Bachelor this season you probably saw 500 ads for their new spin-off show Listen to Your Heart which is the Bachelor, except, all musicians. What could go wrong!

Basically a producer said “you know how we always get one annoying person each season who’s not taking the show seriously because they’re just trying to get publicity for their music career? what if we did a WHOLE SEASON OF THOSE” and bang, Listen to Your Heart was born.

Someone in the commercial says “It’s Like A Real Life Star Is Born“, and I’m sure they’re right except we wish both of them would die at the end and they’re both alcoholics.

To be honest, I don’t blame ABC for doing this. Besides The Bachelor their programming is ROUGH. They’ve got season 32 of Grey’s Anatomy, Roseanne but without Roseanne, and of course The Good Doctor, which is solely on air simply because people fall asleep watching The Bachelor and their TV’s stay on for the entirety of his show.

It’s the only logical explanation. If people really were watching his show, it’d be cancelled immediately. And I’m not talking cancelled like “taken off air because of viewership or poor quality”, I’m talking cancelled like “Papa John’s said the N Word” cancelled. The show has a kid, with zero disabilities, playing a fully autistic doctor VERY POORLY. I watch the first 5 minutes after every Bachelor episode and it’s always him talking monotone and blurting out nonsense like “I like sex!” while performing open-heart surgery. It’s offensive and should be cancelled immediately. But, I digress.

This new take on The Bachelor got me thinking, what if they did this for more professions? I mean, what if they did it for my job as an entry-level marketing coordinator? Maybe we share love notes over google docs! Maybe we upload our favorite contestants into a Salesforce Campaign titled “Possible Spouses”! Maybe we Slack eachother “+1 this if you’d like to continue this relationship” at the end of each episode! No? That doesn’t sound fun? My life is very boring and the corporate setting is unfit to provide a suitable partner for me and I will be alone until I sign up for match.com in my forties and settle for the first person to say something nice to me? WELL, might not be luck for me, but maybe these others could be interesting.

Sole-Mates

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A season of all sneakerheads and hypebeasts. At the end of each episode they do a cinderella-style thing where they put a pair of Jordans on the person they choose.

What’s Cookin’ Good Lookin’?

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This is an all chef season. There’s a lot of sensual eating. I’m talking a hot fudge hot tub. At the end of each episode they ask “will you lady-and-the-tramp this hot dog with me?” and they have to chomp on each end of a wiener until they meet and kiss.

Till Death Do Us Part

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Professional Assassins are all put inside the Bachelor mansion and they fucken murder the contestants they don’t think are hot. Last 2 standing gotta get married.

Plenty of Fish In the Sea 

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A crew of commercial crab fishermen and fisherwomen go on a 3 month excursion in Alaska’s roughest waters to try to find true love…talk about trying to find a (deadliest) catch! The winners are the two people who coupled up and got the most crabs over the excursion (and yes, we mean the crabs they got from the cages in the ocean. The other kind certainly happens, but does not count towards their score.)

Just to See You Smile

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Dentists try to find love…the catch? They can only get to know each other during cleanings. One dentist is shoving a metal stick directly into their gums, blood going everywhere, and asking them questions like “So, what kind of music do you like?” but mostly, they just yell at each other to floss more. At the end of each episode they pick their partner by baby-birding mouthwash into the other’s mouth.

It Ain’t Supposed to Smell Like Roses

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Chris Harrison clogs all 30 toilets in the Bachelor Mansion and a dozen plumbers are called to fix it. Once they push Harrison’s fat dumps down the drain, they find out they’re in a sticky situation themselves, they’ve got to find love on live TV! At the end of each episode there’s a toilet with the contestants names on it and they have to “Shit or Quit”, if someone poops in your toilet you make it to the next week.

Influencers In Love

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Just like musicians, everyone knows social media clout-chasers love using the Bach as a platform for launching a career of promoting Hello Fresh on Instagram, so why not make a show where everyone is just a complete sell-out looking for more followers? In this show, the audience really controls the outcome. Couples go on Instagram Live, they post pics, they tweet about their significant other, they do daily vlogs, they’re shredding Tik Tok dances together and whichever couples rack up the most engagement, they stay with. For obvious reasons. Everyone starts off the show following each other on all platforms, but if they decide they’re not the one, they hit that unsubscribe button.

Dear Future Husband

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A bunch of psychics compete to win a man’s heart, it only lasts one episode because they all knew how it was going to end.

Money Can’t Buy Love

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A bunch of financial analysts who live in New York date each other. It’s really just a security camera filming at a bar in Manhattan. Everyone has their airpods in the whole time. At the end of each episode you promote your significant other to Senior Financial Advisor, which is below Senior Financial Analyst but above Junior Financial Manager. All of them got on the show just because their dad knows some guy.

There ya have it ABC. When someone with a pulse watches a full episode of The Good Doctor and comes to their senses, these ideas are ready to go for a replacement.

 

 

 

 

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