Despite what he told the North Korean people, it turns out Kim Jong Un might not have actually found the fountain of youth and had its magical liquids installed into his master bathroom’s plumbing system. Crazy! I know!
These are all rumors of course. Many sources are saying he got a botched surgery, and very few sources from Korea are saying he’s in great health per usual but he hasn’t been seen in a while because he’s focusing on defeating Guitar Hero 3 on Prodigy Mode (a secret level of the game that was made specifically for Kim because he beat Through the Fire and Flames on Expert with his eyes closed). So it’s just a bunch of he said, she said.
But in the off chance that our boy Kimmy J. has met the Lord and the Lord said “finally, you’re here. Please take over, you’re much more capable than me”, he’s going to want the most immaculate of playlists to set the mood at his funeral. And I’ve got a list of absolute heaters that I know he would see necessary to be played during the celebration of his life. Here’s a few funeral songs to be played across the country-wide Sonos speakers when the mandatory day of mourning for Kim arrives.
“You Can’t See Me” -John Cena
In North Korea this is song is actually by Jong Cena, Kim’s wresting alter-ego. He’s been crowned the light-weight champion of the world 412 times and is famous for single-handedly murdering Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Connor McGregor and Thanos in a 3-On-1 Death Match.
Every Breath You Take -The Police
Every move you make, every breath you take, I’ll be watching you.
Look, if your strict parents say they’re going away for the weekend to visit Great Aunt Bertha, you throw a party. But you DON’T do that if they install a Ring security system before leaving.
Same thing going on here.
People will be at the funeral thinking…”uhh, was he trying to tell us something with this one? You don’t think he…could still be alive right? This isn’t just a test to see who’s truly loyal to him? No…that would be…crazy…right?”
And that’s exactly what he wants them to think. Keep them on their toes.
“Only the Good Die Young” -Billy Joel
Ahh yes, the #1 song of 2020 written by Billy Joel specifically to pay respect to Kim’s untimely death.
“Holocene” -Bon Iver
After Kim Jong Il died there were rumors that if you live in North Korea and don’t cry over the loss of the leader of the country they can imprison and torture you…so here’s the saddest song I can think of to make the crying a little bit easier of a performance. Especially given the less-than-Oscar-worthy showings we got last time.
Space Jam Theme Song -Quad City DJ’s
In the North Korean version it’s actually Kim Jong Un who defeats the Monstars with the Looney Tunes. (It’s just his face photo-shopped onto Michael Jordan’s body and you’re NOT allowed to ask why he’s clearly a 6 “6” black man in the film)
Love Story -Taylor Swift
This is actually the true story of how Kim met his American Pop-Star girlfriend, Taylor Swift.
Enchanted -Taylor Swift
Taylor wrote this song for her boyfriend Kim on their 1-week anniversary. Safe to say it was love at first sight!
Shake It Off -Taylor Swift
To the fella over there with the hella good hair.
Uhhh I don’t think I have to tell you who this songs about 😉
Teardrops On My Guitar -Taylor Swift
Taylor wrote this song about Kim’s death 😦
Rocket Man -Elton John
Yeah when Trump called him this he actually wasn’t making fun of him. He was actually calling him very cool because this song is very good and it’s the best song in American history. It was a term of great respect. Thank you Donald!
Baby Shark- Pinkfong
I can’t find their version online but the #1 Children’s Song in North Korea is the same tune as this except the lyrics are “Kim Jong Un Un-Un-Un-Un-Un-Un, Kim Jong Un Un-Un-Un-Un-Un-Un, Kim Jong Un Un-Un-Un-Un-Un-Un, Kim Jong Un!”
See You Again -Wiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth
Kim wouldn’t want his people to be too upset (after the mandatory week of sobbing of course). So this little number is to put his people at ease. It’s not goodbye, it’s see you later.
If the most accomplished man in the universe actually passed away, you’re gonna wanna play the perfect songs when you’re passed the aux (especially because if you don’t nail it, you could be imprisoned and tortured.
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