First of all I want to address real quick that I know there was a lot of momentum going on the site with the delivery of the merch and we had a couple hot blogs in a row leading up to that, I know. But right now there is an extremely important conversation happening in America and the last thing I want to do is distract from it by posting something like “Ranking The Jonas Brothers by Which One Is Having the Most Subaru Summer”, although I think we can all agree that would be great content.
No, rather, I’d like to blog about matters that will keep the conversation going about racial injustice and making sure America owns up to its racist roots and systems and moves forward to create a more equal and positive society.
Which is why I’m officially declaring Francis Scott Key and his shitty “anthem”,
Listen buddy, “Piano Man” is more of an Anthem than the National one. Anthems are all about belting every word to a track with all the passion in the world and half the population doesn’t even know the real lyrics to the National Anthem. Even if we DID know the lyrics, we still wouldn’t know what they mean. No one who lives outside of an assisted living community can tell me what a “rampart” is. And from a google search I can tell, not super relevant anymore!
Myself, and a lot of people my age, are living at home with their parents right now because they can’t afford rent. Not sure if talking about “defensive walls built in front of castles” is really gonna land with the millennials who are still sleeping in a twin bed (yes, this one hits home for me).
We can’t cancel someone simply because their music sucks though. Otherwise, no one would have heard the name “Eminem” in the last decade. No, we gotta catch them for something else…something like…
He was getting mocked saying “Land of the Free and Home of the Oppressed” by people back in the 1800’s?!?! They’ve been trying to cancel this guy for centuries! I’m late to the party!
And this wasn’t a “times were different back then” situation, dude didn’t believe in an immediate end to slavery, started a whole damn organization to send freed slaves back to Africa, AND was quoted saying the following:
YUUUUP. This man’s done. Cancelled. Not Aziz Ansari’d I’m talking full on Louie CK’d.
And with him and his trash music needing to be erased from history, what do we do about the National Anthem? What could possibly take its place? Well, I have a few ideas.
Songs That Should Be The New National Anthem
The Anthem – Pitbull (feat. Lil Jon)
This is an easy swap folks. We’re still going to stand for “the Anthem” at sporting events except this time there’s gonna be standing, twerking, rapping, clapping, and a lot more fun.
America was formed as a “melting pot”. A new opportunity for people all around the world to come and make new lives for themselves. Who better to represent that than Mr. Worldwide himself? His parents immigrated from Cuba to the U.S. and gave birth to one of the greatest performers of all time. It’s a perfect fit. ¡Dale!
Born in the USA – Bruce Springsteen
I really do think this is a song that everyone can get behind. The right-wingers who just listen to Bruce say “Born in the USA!” over and over again will love it because they think it’s a nationalistic song about “keeping America great” while the left will listen to lyrics and know that Springsteen is an activist and the song is actually a criticism of America going to war. Everybody wins!
The Ridiculousness Theme Song
Say what you want but no one’s gonna forget the words. It’s simple, it’s quick. All in favor say “yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeyeyeyeyeYEAH!”
Slide -Calvin Harris (feat. Frank Ocean & Migos)
If you really wanted to stop Kaepernick from kneeling during the National Anthem, shoulda played something that slapped. No one can resist dancing to this song and if they do, well, I think that’s just un-American.
The “1-877-Kars For Kids” Jingle
Oh I’m sorry, I forget, did the 9 year old boy in this video own slaves? No? Then I don’t see why you think that this is a worse option than what we have now. You racist piece of shit.
Doses and Mimosas – Cherub
Alright you caught me. I don’t really have a great reason for this one. I just think hearing an entire stadium sing “To all the bitch ass hoes, that hate me the most, oh yeah I hate you too” in harmony would be a beautiful thing.
Move Along – All American Rejects
Maybe they were right. As a society, we need to move along…past our racist history to create a new America. And who better to own the Anthem of this new society than the “All American Rejects”. A society where the rejects, no longer feel rejected. It’s poetic, truly.
Whatever’s live on “lofi hip hop radio – beats to relax/study to” for 1 minute
The National Anthem is a song about war created during a time of mass oppression and hatred, uhhhhh take a freaking chill pill! Amirite America? I’m tired of hearing about bombs hitting castles and muskets firing and blah blah blah, I just wanna hear the scores of Studio Ghibli films with trap drums laid over them.
Party In the USA – Miley Cyrus
I don’t know if a more patriotic song has come out since this banger. I really don’t. If there is, I haven’t heard it. This is the new America. One where a girl can hop off the plane at LAX with nothing but a dream and a cardigan, and become Hannah Montana. That’s the America I believe in.
Forever – Chris Brown
Well he’s not cancelled yet and if America is going to continue to be a country where we don’t care about bad people hurting innocent black women, why not double down on it.
JK F*CK YOU CHRIS BROWN! DEMAND JUSTICE FOR BREONNA TAYLOR.
NOT IMAGINE BY JOHN LENNON
Yeah I saw this bullshit article from the NY Post today suggesting “Imagine” should replace the National Anthem…how about absolutely not? Sorry Beatles-heads but your king was a domestic abuser who wrote this song on the same drug that was made illegal in the states to put all the black people in prison. Guy wasn’t some sort of “prophet of the people” he was privileged rich idiot just like all the people who sang this in that tone deaf video. Deal with it!
Lift Yourself – Kanye West
Kanye’s been talking about the problems with America his whole life. And despite all of the barriers built against him, he’s managed to come out of it a billionaire who’s donated to multiple organizations supporting the Black Lives Matter movement INCLUDING setting up a 2 Million Dollar college fund for George Floyd’s daughter Gianna. So yeah, let’s strive for more libery, lift ourselves up on our feet, and whoopdiddy scoop the racism out of America huh?
Got any better ideas? Let me know! We need something fast while we got this momentum.
Also, this might be your first time on the new and improved site. Big shouts out to my boy Sam Vaccaro (@eltonjawnz on IG and @sampireweekend on Twitter) and his incredible graphic design skills on the new logo. Was truly blown away by how well this came out. Soon enough this will be on billboards in Times Square and Sam will be suing me for using his logo but I will win the law suit because we never had a written agreement on royalties I just venmoed him like 20 bucks even though he did this as a favor to me and didn’t ask for it.