I had a root canal this morning at 8 AM and I would officially like to say that dentists, and the entire industry of dentistry as a whole, is cancelled.
First of all, I hate going to the dentists for a cleaning, let alone a full-on excavation of the nerves in my teeth. So the first thing I did when I found out I needed to get an RC was google “how long does a root canal take?” to see how long these war criminals of the mouth would be terrorizing me and I did not like what I saw.
I’m sorry…a 95% SUCCESS RATE? And you’re BRAGGING about this? Before googling that I just thought they had a 100% success rate! Now I’m just wondering what’s in that 5% of unsuccessful ones!
So now my mind is racing imagining the dentist slicing through my gums leaving the blood to flow out of my mouth like the elevators in the Shining and I can’t fall asleep. I got about 5 hours of sleep before waking up early so I could get to my appointment without missing too much work and I slept in too late to have time to shower. So I’m showing up to their offices sweaty, greasy, anxious, tired, and pissed off (yeah yeah that’s how I am most mornings at 8 AM but EXTRA today), and I broke my ethical code of trying to be kind to everyone.
If the Uber driver makes me 10 minutes late for taking a wrong turn, it’s no worries. If someone at work is asking me for something I don’t wanna do, I respond “sure thing!” and then talk shit about them in my head like a normal person. If the waiter brings me a Caesar salad despite me ordering the chicken tendies? Whatever, I’m tipping 20%…there were no such pleasantries exchanged at this dentist office. I was cold as ice. You wanna know why? Because IT’S THEIR FAULT I’M THERE.
Do you know what a root canal is? It’s when a cavity gets deep into the roots of your tooth. Now I haven’t had a cavity in like 6 years, and I got that cavity filled all those years ago. So what the hell is this? The filling that THEY GAVE ME, BROKE. And then that cavity got in and caused the root damage. But now, because YOUR filling didn’t do its job, I HAVE TO PAY SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS? TO FIX YOUR MISTAKE? HUHHHHH?
The thing is too, the nerve in my tooth died. So I don’t feel any pain in that tooth anymore. It’s just chilling there. Not hurting anybody. Why can’t I just leave it? Sure a few years down the line maybe the damage will cause the tooth to come out or break or something, but I can just get the full renovation. I mean if I’m gonna pay $750 to repair one tooth I might as well just get the works on a Tooth Job. Give me the Aaron Judge and fix my shark mouth so women will talk to me this summer.
But I can’t even ask them how much a set of 32 Joe-Biden-Level Munchers would run me because they had to ball and gag me in order to get my mouth open wide enough to operate on. Every dentist I’ve ever been to always tells me “you have such a small mouth”, which there is no proper response to. And this dentist asked for a “bite block” that would keep my mouth open wide and the assistant said “I don’t think that’ll even fit in there” and I didn’t even have the ability to make a perfect “that’s what she said” joke there. It was a tragedy.
The treachery was palpable in the room too. Doctor’s at least pretend like they don’t like shoving cameras up people’s butts under the guise of it protecting against colon cancer, this Dentist was having a blast carving my teeth apart. First thing they did? Because the light above me was going to be bright they put some shades on me. Were they medical glasses? Or maybe something cooler like Ray Bans? NOPE. They were legit Tom Cruise’s Oakleys from the early 2000s. I was lying in the chair looking like this, except Tom is saving the world on a sick motorcycle and I’m having a panic attack while late-stage Maroon 5 is softly playing on the speakers above me.
They numb me all up and proceed to operate on me for 45 minutes, and like I said, they were having the time of their lives. Chatting it up with each other, sticking their fingers into my mouth, asking what each other’s day was looking like. The whole time they were also using MY CHEST as a tray for all their tools! I can see the professional medical trays right next to them yet they keep placing their drills and shit on my body as if my torso was their own little Dentist Charcuterie Board for picking at whenever they please. And that loud ass mega-drill was the prosciutto of the board, they were grabbing for it all the time.
So they completely belittle me, I get out of the appointment and I breathe a sigh of relief. Thinking it was all over. But then, they put salt in my wound (or more like hot chili flakes in my wound) by prescribing me on antibiotics so they can get rid of any infection in the tooth. So now, not only do I have to eat porridge like a pilgrim on the prairie in order not to aggravate my tooth, but I can’t even wash down a few brews to numb the pain once the novocaine wears off. Bastards.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been scammed. I wore braces for a year when I was 14 and my teeth right now look like someone crammed a few too many beer bottles in a cooler. Was it because I didn’t wear my retainer? Yes, but a retainer is just another cost for me to pay and I won’t have it any more. I’m done with dentists. I’ll let my teeth rot and fall out and come back to these a-holes when I need dentures. That’s it.
“Oh but Mr. chickenparm, my dad’s a dentist and he’s a great guy”, well maybe he is. Maybe there are just a few bad apples, but that doesn’t matter. It’s the industry that they are complicit in. The office I went to today were specialists in “Endodontics”, which is obviously a made up word. They make up problems for us to have so they can get paid. These root canals are what let them leave their office in a Porsche while I have my mom drive me home with my pockets hundreds of dollars lighter and my mouth feeling stale as hell. It may not be all dentists, but they’re part of an evil system that must be destroyed.
So till then, catch me saying ADAB and not flossing.