The internet “gone mad” (as my boy so eloquently put it in his fake Jamaican accent) this weekend after Chet Hanks felt the need to log on to Gram and let everyone know that he had a divine feeling that this summer was going to be a “White Boy Summer”…
Now normally, I’d be against this. Most of the time anything involving pride in being white is either incorrect or just plain BAD…but for some reason Chet Hanks makes it seem so innocent! I feel like he’s in that sweet spot of cancellability where he’s simply too much of a weirdo to be taken seriously so we don’t need to get up in arms about the stuff he says?
Like if Ben Shapiro said it’s going to be white boy summer I’d be livid because he knows what he’s doing and also would then use “logic and reason to OWN people who say White Boy Summer is a supremacist movement” But CHET HANKS? No.
Sure, the guy looks like the type of dude that drinks Vodka Mountain Dews for 3 hours straight and then pulls you aside at a party to tell you all about his app idea “Uber but for Cocaine” and when you say it sounds illegal and dumb he goes “you’re probably right…so do you have some?”, BUT that doesn’t make him a bad person necessarily. And to make it even more clear, he came out with some “Rules and Regs” to clarify that this is in no way a white supremacist movement. In fact, he kind of shit on white people being super white in the best way.
I mean…this is all extremely sound advice. I don’t care what you guys said he did not miss on this list of rules and regs.
First of all, he said that this is NOT for the Trump people. It’s not about white pride or history, in fact it’s mainly about letting it go. He also further explained that it’s time for white guys to “evolve”. Which is what I think White Boy Summer is really getting down to. He wasn’t saying “sorry minorities, white boy summer is upon us!” because they said that back when the pilgrims landed in 1620 and it’s unfortunately been a white boy summer in that sense, ever since.
No, what Chet means by White Boy Summer is that it’s time for white guys to forget all of the “whiteness” they cling so dearly to and evolve into better beings than we have been the past several centuries. By saying we needed to go from a Pikachu to a Raichu, I think Pikachu is a man with unjustified white pride and Raichu is a man who accepts white culture isn’t real and what we think it is, sucks.
With these White Boy Rules and Regs of his (and the ones I’m going to add below), we can get to that Raichu stage.
White Boy Summer Rules & Regs
1. No Plaid Shirts (Vineyard Vines)
This was a great one to kick it off with. If you’re still wearing Vineyard Vines these days, something’s wrong with you. I’d go so far to say it’s racist unless you’re over the age of like 45. In fact the only collared shirts you should be wearing are Hawaiians like a true patron saint of White Boy Summer, Jimmy Buffett. Get rid of those whale covered picnic pieces and get yourself a Tommy Bahama.
2. No Sperry Top-Siders
Completely the same as above. It was a trend from like 2010-2015 maybe, but those days are over. Chet recommends Vans, Chucks or Jordans which are all good options and you should have in your closet because they will literally never go out of style. However, if you’re saying “I don’t wanna wear sneakers, I need a summer shoe to replace my Sperry’s!”, you better get on the Sandal train. Birks, Tevas, slides, even like Rainbows are better. But boat shoes are not it. Thank you for pushing the stragglers of this trend to the other side Chet.
3. No Calling Girls “Smokeshows”
This has been the cringiest term a man can say for a while now. We’re not in homeroom in sophomore year of high school talking about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Mag that we saw in CVS earlier this week while our Mom was getting her photos developed. This is 2021. I haven’t heard a man say this in real life in maybe 5 years now, but if you watched the Bachelorette last season you know this is still around and being used by the worst kind of person. CANCELLED.
4. Anything Salmon Colored, Burn It
Sure. Why not. I will say I like a Salmon T-shirt or hat, but rules are rules and this one does more good than harm. Get rid of the salmon shorts and the button downs. Country club vibes are dead.
Those rules are what I’m going to call the Core Four. The ones Pastor Hanx has set before us. But based on those, I’m going to list a few more that I think would coincide perfectly with the vibe of White Boy Summer.
5. Let Go of Barstool Sports
You had to know this was coming. Everything Chet said not to do in his rules and regs screamed Barstool. If you follow more than like 3 of their accounts, if you follow the “internal drama” of the company, if you spend hundreds of dollars on their merch and tweet at Pres hoping he’ll toss you a like… That is just absolutely pathetic in 2021. Just like Sperrys, Vineyard vines and the term “Smokeshows”, we gotta do away with it.
6. No Country Music from After Like 2010
Chet did say that Country Music was very WBS vibes on his Insta Story yesterday, but the song he was referencing here was “I Go Back” by Kenny Chesney from 2004. This is a great song. Kenny Chesney rules. This country music is great and pretty much everything before 2008ish falls into this category…I’m talking about the Florida Georgia Line’s and Sam Hunt’s of the world that need to be thrown into the musical garbage can.
That horrible trap-country where every song has a terrible pun about drinking in it, 40 year old men are talking about having keg parties in the woods and there’s 808s behind acoustic guitar riffs…TRASH. It sucks that country music used to be romantic, story-driven, and musically beautiful/unique and now it’s all just recycled pandering to white teenagers from people who got caught saying the N Word probably because it’s something they say relatively often. So yeah, if we’re doing country were doing Kenny Chesney and that’s about it.
7. No American Flag Bathing Suits
If you own a bathing suit with the American flag pattern on it, get rid of it immediately. “Oh idk it feels kind of disrespectful to toss out a bathing suit with the flag on it” OH really? But it’s not disrespectful to have it rubbing up against your bare sweaty peen all summer? TOSS IT.
8. No Hard Shorts
I didn’t really know the best way to put this, but no Khaki shorts, no seersucker shorts, no plaid shorts, nothing that feels hard. Only gym shorts and bathing suits man. I’ve been seeing a lot of tik toks about things that are embarrassing that shouldn’t be, like posting an Instagram or buying toilet paper at the grocery store…this is like that for me. I don’t know how to put it, there really isn’t a reason for it, but something feels so off to be about wearing hard shorts. I’m going full soft shorts for WBS.
9. No More American Alcoholic Beverages
For White Boy Summer, all American beers are cancelled. Bud Light, Coors Lite, Miler Lite, White Claws, Truly…whatever. None of them give off White Boy Summer vibes. You know what does? A corona with lime. We’re going full Fast and Furious mode folks.
That’s that good time summer vibes. Even better, get some nice mixed drinks in the rotation. Mai Tais, mudslides, tequila sodas, rum and cokes, PALOMAS (not exactly sure what’s in this but I had 4 of them one day and it was amazing). That’s the kind of drinks that fit with White Boy Summer. Step up your drink game.
10. Reading Books is a Must
I’m not talking about How to Hack Your Finances: The Guide to Dominating Profits from a Kick-Ass Entrepreneur either, no, I’m talking about enlightenment. Real evolution. Pick up some philosophical books. I’m talking Dalai Llama, Plato, Matthew McConaughey, the GOATs. Think about life’s big questions. Expand your mind beyond to access your full White Boy Potential.
11. Buy Nice Sunglasses
I know times are tough with the economy these days…but you can not be caught wearing a $15 pair of knock-off plastic ray bans you bought at a gas station on the way to your buddy’s cape house over the summer. Invest in a nice pair of shades, it’ll change your world. I don’t care where you get them, but if you’re rocking some sun-blockers that cost over like $100, it’ll change your whole steeze. You’ll be walking around with the confidence of Chet Hanks in no time. Worth it.
12. It’s a Big Boy Summer as Well.
Take this how you want. Whether big boy summer to you means get swole and walk around with some arm Pythons, or if it means forgetting completely about eating healthy and putting on hella mass this summer, Big Boy summer is all about being comfortable in your body. We need to evolve pass the standards of an ideal beach bod. I certainly put on a few lbs during covid like I’m sure many others did, and that’s ok fellas. That’s the body that got us through this mess. So if we’re really going to evolve into our Raichu form, we need to except that an evolved body can take any way, shape or form.
There you have it folks. The President of White Boy Summer Chet Hanx has been posting a TON since the movement took off, so I’m sure we’ll have some more to add to this (and possibly some revisions), but if we really want to complete Chet’s vision of becoming better White Boys this Summer, I think these are the rules and regs that can bring us there.