Folks, it’s that time of year again. When the Discovery channel decides to swap out it’s normal 24/7 content of 60 year old white men digging for something people actually want to see, 60 year old white men documenting sharks.
Shark Week rules unbelievably hard. It appeals to our most ancient instincts. The romans got to watch men get torn up by lions, we get to watch a 12 foot fish monster tear up a rubber seal. It’s as close as we’re gonna get.
Over the years, there have been some wild Shark Week specials. Including Tyson vs. Jaws: Rumble on the Reef, which advertised Mike Tyson fighting a Shark. We also watched Michael Phelps swim in a race against a Shark. And when Discovery clearly was running out of ideas, we got a late night Shark Week talk show called Shark after Dark…so they’re really up for anything at this point. And 2021 is no different.
From huge celebrities, to wild match-ups, Shark Week 2021 is determined not to disappoint. Check out some of the new specials below.
Sharky Sharky and the Money Punch
Mark Wahlberg is known for a few things, but chief among them is his crazy work-out schedule to keep him in peak physical shape, and of course, that he claimed to be able to stop 9/11 had he been on the plane. Another egregious claim Marky Mark wants to prove to everyone now is that he can murder a shark with his bare hands. So Discovery has rented out Shamu’s tank at SeaWorld and Mark and a Shark are gonna go head to head in hand to fin combat. If Mark wins? He gets $1 Million dollars, and if he loses? Well…he dies. It’d be a sad day for the city of Boston, but pretty hilarious to almost everyone else.
Doo-Doo Doo-Doo Doo-Doo! That’s right! “DaBaby Shark” is going to be the first ever concert LIVE from Shark-infested waters! Sure it’s going to be hard to hear him underwater and through a scuba breathing tube, but can you seriously follow along with what he’s saying anyways?
Will he be protected in a diving cage? No sir! But he will be protected by two pistols. We offered the cage, we even offered to put him in a glass area in the middle of the tank so he’d be able to breath air as well, but he refused. He’s one of the biggest rappers in the world for a reason so we just kinda went with it and, in Dababy fashion, said Let’s GO.
A Fast & Furious Feeding Frenzy
This is the first scripted movie to premiere during Shark Week. Everyone’s been seeing memes of Vin Diesel popping up in other franchises, and Shark Week decided to capitlaize. In this spinoff of the Fast and Furious Franchise, Vin and the Family have to race to defuse a nuclear bomb planted in the middle of the ocean. The only issue? There’s 50 domesticated Sharks trying to beat them to it. If you’re not sold yet, just know that Dominic Terretto drives a Jet Ski THROUGH a Tiger Shark. I’m talking in through the mouth and out through the ass, THROUGH. Yeah. And if all goes well, it could launch the whole franchise. This movie will be followed by 2 Feeding 2 Frenzy, Feeding Frenzy: Tokyo Drift, The Feeding and the Frenzy, Feeding 5, Feeding 6, Frenzy 7, F8 of the Frenzy and F9: The Feeding Saga.
Jaws vs. Paws
During the pandemic everyone who was a lil’ bit lonely adopted a cute lil pup to keep them company, and then once the country reopened and they realized they could get their paws on some social interaction that doesn’t have fur, they ditched them.
So this Shark Week comes a brand new event Jaws vs. Paws, where it’s one Great White Shark vs. 50 puppies that have been put up for adoption since America’s reopened. That’s right, a 12 foot Mama Shark is gonna be clamping it’s mouth-daggers down on all your favorite breeds. She’ll be munching on Corgis, Dachshunds, Bernie’s, Labs, Bull Dogs (of both French and English origins) and screw it! She’s gonna be chomping on Golden Retrievers too! It’s gonna be like a damn Shark-uterie board out there!
And I know what you’re thinking “oh PETA’s never gonna let you get away with this”, hey buddy THEY’RE SPONSORING IT. They want you to know that if you return the dog you adopted this is gonna happen to them too. Yeah it’s a little drastic, but drastic times call for drastic measures and PETA was getting kinda tired of just like throwing cow blood at hot dog eating competition contestants. Not as fun anymore.
Predator vs. Predator
“Oh Cancel Culture is ruining society! These men can’t come back because of one (or hundreds) of horrible mistakes they made when they were just young men of 58? These men have no chance at redemption?”, well, now they DO have a chance, on Predator vs. Predator.
That’s right, all your favorite cancelled men will have a chance to come back into the public eye. How? Well a boat is going to drag them in their wake for 30 minutes around Seal Island. If they survive, they can rejoin society and all is forgiven. Where is Seal Island, you ask? Well, it’s where this photo was taken.
So uhhhh, yeah. Hang on to that boogie Bill Cosby!