I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This, But Your Dog Sucks.

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The other weekend I decided to take advantage of an exceptionally stunning September Saturday by going to my happy place: the sandy shores of Cape Cod. I got my beach chair, headphones, and a brand new book and plopped my chair down, ready to take in some of the last rays of summer sun before Autumn truly made its presence known. 

I was in a moment of complete serenity, and it seemed as if some other people had the same peaceful idea as me. One family was taking a stroll by the water with their beautiful golden retriever, who was splashing in the shallows without a care in the world, relishing in the refreshing waves. I smiled to myself, happy for all the creatures enjoying this day as much as I was. And that’s when I saw another creature at the other end of the beach, a big curly blonde dog running circles in the sand who stopped in his tracks when he locked eyes with the retriever. And that’s when all hell broke loose off the damn leash.

The two raced at each other like some feral wolves who thought the only way to cure their insatiable hunger was to eat their own kind. They sprinted around in the sand until the skirmish led them both to the ocean. The splashing and thrashing carried on for a few ferocious seconds until they emerged. I found myself starting to have trouble focusing on my book, and not just because I hadn’t looked at my phone in 14 seconds to check for notifications that I didn’t have.

It was at that point some stray sand shrapnel from the two canines’ battle started to sprinkle on my legs. I smiled softly and breathed some air out of my nostrils as if I had just read a kind-of-funny tweet just to let the owners know I wasn’t going to pull out a glock from my sling bag and pop these puppers full of led…despite there being a tiny beast inside of me that wanted to. 

What happened next is what almost drove me to take out my phone, get on Amazon Prime and have one of Bezos’ drones drop off a rifle right into my lap: the dogs sandwiched my beach chair between them, wound up their big furry bodies, and shook off a tsunamis worth of water onto me, my beach bag, and my book. And although I was annoyed, that wasn’t the part that bothered me, what really bothered me was that the owners just laughed. No saying “sorry”. No calling the dogs back to them. Just a big laugh until the dogs retreated to their respective owners, too far away for me to get a lethal grip around their tails, whip their bodies above my head like the propeller of a helicopter and then launch them into the deep end of the ocean where I’d hope some Great White would put his jaws around their paws.

Here’s the thing: Don’t Assume I Like Your Dog As Much As You Do.

That phrase comes from a family friend of mine who would always get annoyed when a dog came into our circle of chairs at the beach and I never truly understood where she was coming from until this moment. 

Dog people just don’t understand what life was like before dogs. They become so infatuated with their little pooping pals that they become blinded to the fact that people without dogs, usually don’t have dogs around them for a reason. 

People always say “What would we do without dogs?!”, uhhhh I don’t know maybe go on vacation more often? We’d probably pick up much less actual shit every day? Maybe we’d stay out longer when we go out for drinks to escape the hellish nightmare of a work week we had? We’d probably have an extra few hundred bucks in our pocket every month? Yeah I don’t know it sounds like we’d do a lot of good things without ‘em! In fact, they’re kind of pains in the ass! 

Despite the obvious cons of adopting a dog though, people are willing to overlook them just because it gives them an excuse to make a new instagram account for the dog that will be inactive within 6 months. (That’s a guarantee by the way, look up any dog instagram account you’ve followed in the past. No shot it’s window of activity is longer than 8 months). I mean I still see people saying “what did we do to deserve dogs?”…seriously? How about not kill and eat them!? I feel like that was pretty cool of us! I mean we kill and eat octopus, a beautiful and complex creature that has never interfered with my day-to-day life, and no one bats an eye. But a barely-bigger-than-a-rat-sized Chihuahua barks outside my window for 2 hours straight when I’m hungover at 8am on a Saturday and I’m the bad guy for thinking about putting that bitch in a deep fryer and dipping it in some marinara? Get real. 

There’s the old saying that dogs are a man’s best friend, and maybe that’s true for some people. Maybe you have a dog that is your best friend. They’re a friend to go on walks and play games with. They’re a friend that cuddles up with you on the couch as you watch your favorite show, and a friend that comforts you at your lowest points. A friend that’s given you purpose when you felt lost and alone. And that’s beautiful…but when I’m with my friends (who are human by the way) keep your slobbering four-legged friend away from us. Ok? We’re doing things like “talking to each other” that you and your “best friend” might not understand. 

And if you’re mad at any of this, just try to remember what it was like before you got a dog. If your dog ran up to you and shook an outdoor shower on you while you were at the beach you’d probably giggle and regret not getting a video of it to put on your instagram. But me, a rational person who cares about his well-being too much to get a dog, doesn’t find that enjoyable! Can you believe that? I’ll tell you why I don’t find it enjoyable, BECAUSE IT’S NOT MY PET. Can you imagine if someone who had a pet snake just let it slither around and climb up on your shoulder? You’d probably hate that wouldn’t you? SO OPEN YOUR EYES. That’s Dog Privilege. You don’t have to think about if people like your pet or not, but everyone else has to be conscious and courteous of it. 

And the funny thing is dog owners have the audacity to declare war against cat owners. And look, I don’t really like cats either, but at least they don’t stand up on some divine pedestal acting like god’s gift to the world despite cultures literally doing that in Egypt thousands of years ago. They just poop and pee in their little box, give you glares from across the couch while you watch Guy’s Grocery Games and do little meows now and then. Dogs take dumps in the middle of the crosswalk, lick your face to wake you up at 6am and constantly bark louder than a car horn for no reason at all. Well I say, screw em.

Now look. This is a rant. Will I probably get a dog at some point in my lifetime and look back upon this manifesto with regret and shame that I suggested pairing crispy chihuahua with some dipping sauces? Most likely. I’ll most likely shed a single tear as I look into my own chihuahua’s eyes and think about him being torn to shreds by a big honking pair of human chompers. But until that moment, this is the stance I’m taking.

And I can not WAIT for the Dog with a Blog to write up a response to this, as if I would give a shit. Go ahead asshole, see if I care! You can have alllllll the monthly readers you want, but I’ve got one thing you’ll never have. My BALLS, BITCH! SUCK EM!

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