If My Parents Want Me to Have Their Grandchildren They Should Give Me at Least Half of Their Life Savings

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Yeah, you hear that Jane and Steve? If you want the family name carried on to another generation you’re going to have to pay the price. Want to know why? *Grabs megaphone* BECAUSE THE BIGGEST REASON I HAVE ZERO WOMEN INTERESTED IN ME IS BECAUSE I AM POOR.

It’s the root reason, not the only one (my face and body have something to do with it, but those could be enhanced with money), but if I had fat STACKS it would solve most of my romantic problems.

How am I supposed to hang out with a girl when I live at home with my older sister and two parents? I certainly don’t have enough money to live in an apartment now, but a month ago I lived in a house with no rules, nine wingmen roommates, and my own room. I couldn’t get a girl to come over under those optimal circumstances but NOW I live in a house where my mom yells at me for leaving empty water bottles everywhere, I share a room with my little brother, I have a twin size bed, and I’m asleep by 10:30pm every night because I have to get up for work in the morning, which brings me to my next point.

How do guys with jobs meet women?

Seriously, I’ve been in the 9-5 workforce now for like 3 weeks and I can’t comprehend it. I was surrounded by girls in college. In classes, around campus, at bars…and I took it all for granted. Now there is only one girl on my team at work who’s under the age of 40 and the other young guy on our team is a solid 8.7/10 BC Grad so my soft 6/10 barely-made-it PC Bachelor’s Degree-in-marketing-having self is not getting any looks. I’m also doing mundane finance work with excel and like, numbers, so the most flirty I can get with a conversation at my workplace is basically saying “damn, the printers jammed, this thing sucks” because “jammed” and “sucks” could be sexual innuendos? Not really in that context, but if anything that just furthers my point.

But if I had half of all the money my parents worked so hard their entire lives to save up for, I wouldn’t have to work. I could be taking trips to California. Maybe learn a cool, attractive hobby like surfing or playing guitar or exercising…like at all. Because when you have a full time job, fitness isn’t exactly easy to budget time for. I get home around 6. I was just MAKING A LIVING for 8 hours so I think I deserve a beer. Maybe even 2. Maybe even 3! Then next thing you know I’m drunk watching Family Feud screaming at the Johnson family for thinking 100 married men would consider “camping” something you wouldn’t want to do with your in-laws. Camping? That’s your go to Amanda?!? You’re the youngest of the Johnson family you don’t even have a spouse! Shut up and say something normal like “go to brunch”. You stupid idiot.

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But even when I have the self control to resist watching game shows inebriated and decide to work out, I’m already tired from waking up at 7am that day. I’m depressed because I’m fat. I have zero motivation because it’s not like I have anyone to impress. So then I jog like a mile and a half before being like “well, maybe if I have a salad for lunch tomorrow that’d count as like another mile on this run” and then I don’t have a salad for lunch the next day. Not to mention the stress the job causes me is making my hair thinner than it already is which is devastating for a 22 year old to say.

I think the biggest hit, however, is that I’m inside all day. If you ask anyone that knows me…I am 23.53% better looking when I’m tan. In the winter months I’m a 5.2 but, tan? in the summer? I’m a solid 6.8 (round up to a 7 if I’m at a dimly lit bar), hence the soft 6 average I gave you earlier (yeah, I’m a numbers guy now. Finance.)

Speaking of finances, I’d also be RICH. Ladies would be like “what do you do for a living” and I’d be like “I live”. Baller response. They’d be thinking I’m a rich entrepreneur who dropped out of Harvard and sold a company for billions. I just wouldn’t confirm or deny any of it, baby. I’ll let the money talk for me.

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How did I come up with half of their entire life savings as the price of their grandchildren, you ask? Well, can you really put a price on the life of a child?


I just did.

Half of their life savings.

When you get old you want to 1.) Retire and have no work to do and 2.) have grandkids to brag about and post pictures of on Facebook. So I’m letting them keep half (you’re welcome) so they can have the security that they could chill and be retired whether they have a kid or not, and then the other half would go towards me not having to work too. It’s a perfect system. They get to chill out and I can start exercising, maybe get some plastic surgery, move to California and get a luxurious studio apartment on the beach close to the local bar scene.

This the only way I’m going to meet women. They know it and I know it. Let’s stop dancing around it and open up that savings account Mom and Dad.

Do it for your future grandkid(s).

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