‘Tis the season. Y’all ready know what time it is. Summer time, baby. The kids rejoice as they leave their classrooms, away from the responsibilities of homework and quizzes. The teens are working their summer jobs so they’ll have money to take their crushes out on dates to the Drive-In Movie Theater. And adults are just excited to make the most of these sunny weekends with friends and family. That all sounds great, but we all know that the REAL goal of each summer, is to make it a Subaru one.
You hear those commercials blaring through your car radio with the windows down, sun shing, It’s gonna be a Subaru Summer!, and you whisper to yourself “God, I hope so”. Well, no need for wishful thinking, here are my Top 5 ways to guarantee you have a Subaru Summer!
- Throw Eggs at Ernie Boch Jr.’s House
This freaking guy. Nothing makes a Summer less Subaru than Ernie Boch Jr. of Boch Toyota. That stupid jingle, “Everything you’re looking for! We’ve got it, yeah!”, what am I looking for? My brake pedals to give out while I’m going 80mph on the freeway? I don’t think so! So how do we stop this Subaru Summer-blocker? Toss a bunch of eggs at his precious 8,000 sq. ft 7 bedroom 4 and a half bath mansion.
You’re gonna have to really yeet those bad boys too because the gates to his estate are about 60 yards out from his front door. If you get it, like, 40 yards or so though you may be able to hit his car or something, which would still be pretty Subaru of you.
2. Move to Vermont
I shouldn’t even have to tell you this, but optimal Subaru Summer conditions really only occur in Vermont: The Syrup State. Nothing screams Subaru quite like hanging out by the water, cracking open a local IPA, and watching Bernie Sanders swan dive off his lake house’s dock into the refreshing 52 degrees H20 only Vermont can truly provide.
- Burn a Bunch of White People Music to a CD and Title It “Summer Jams”
Aux Cords, Spotify, whatever the heck a “dongle” is, why has listening to music in the car become so darn complicated?!? I miss the old days when all you had to do to listen to music in the car was buy each song individually for $1.29, create a playlist on your desktop computer, go to Staples, buy a 10-pack of blank CD’s, go home, insert it into your CD-Rom drive and wait a half hour for the audio to be burned into your disc. It was that easy! Then you just take your red sharpie out and write on the disc “Summer Jams” and maybe draw a cartoon sun on it or something. And don’t forget, unless it has songs by James Taylor, Dave Matthews, Hootie & The Blowfish, and Jimmy Buffett on it, it sure as heck isn’t a true Subaru Summer Jam Mix!
- Find Solid Evidence That Bigfoot ExistsBigfoot, Sasquatch, the “Ape-Man”…whatever you want to call him (or her), he (or she) is out there! And nothing makes your summer more Subaru than packing up your car with some hiking gear, sleeping bags, trail mix, and good friends, and heading out into the middle of the woods in order to find damning proof that the mythical creature, Bigfoot, is real! For if you don’t prove that he exists, he can still get away with having an affair with your wife without consequences. Even if you swore you saw him making out in your backyard with your wife of 14 years, people will still think you’re insane! That (hypothetically) just isn’t fair! Serve justice to Sasquatch, and show the world that he IS real and also that he probably DID suck face with your spouse (hypothetically).
- Buy and Drive a Subaru
Most people think this is a necessity to have a Subaru Summer, it’s not! BUT the sole thing you can do to absolutely 100% confirmed have aSubaru Summer, is to both purchase AND operate one of these modern miracles of machinery. Hell, I don’t care what you even use the vehicle for. Take it to the McDonald’s Drive-Thru and buy forty McDoubles to throw at your vegan friends. Park it in a Target parking lot and hot box the thing with some of that real sticky icky kush. Rob a bank and use it for a getaway car for all I care. As long as it’s the summer, and you’re driving a Subaru, you can guarantee…it’s gonna be a Subaru Summer.
Merry Subaru Summer to all,
except you Ernie Boch.
F u Ernie Boch.