Does that make you uncomfortable? That I, a straight man, can admit I think Harry Styles is attractive and also a very good musician? Well if it does, 1) you’re on the wrong side of history and 2.) you probably want to stop reading this post now.
Look, I grew up hating Harry Styles, I get why people wouldn’t agree with my stance on this matter. My little sister was obsessed with One Direction. I had to listen to the CD’s every car ride, I’d want to watch TV but she would have the “concert experience” DVD on loop, we even had a Harry Styles cardboard cut-out. This guy invaded my life and I wasn’t having him and his long goofy hair or his cookie-cutter, people-pleasing, wishy-washy music that was made to play on 13 year old girls’ hormonal changes.
But then. One Direction broke up.
It devastated my sister. We had to fly out the best psychologist in the Northern Hemisphere to convince her life was still worth living. The therapy costs almost bankrupted my family.
But then we got the best therapy we could’ve asked for: A Harry Styles Solo Album.
Again, I was hesitant to give this guy a chance. The cover for his album Harry Styles (pictured above), is his like wet naked back in a pink bathtub. My thought, again, was that he was still trying to exploit girls going through puberty. So I start the album off and…I’m taken aback. I’m flabbergasted to be quite honest. I’m hearing guitar riffs sounding like they came straight out of Paul Simon’s personal unreleased sheet music. I’m hearing lyrics so poetic and honest Ralph Waldo Emerson would applaud them. I’m feeling emotions so raw they could give me salmonella. This album is one of the most unique and enjoyable pieces of art my ears hath consumed in a long, long time. The guy is a 100% certified rock star.
So my little sister of course is going to the show at the Garden tonight and she’s actually bringing my little brother who also loves the album. I’d say maybe our affinity for this man runs in the family, but I am positive if I played a song like “Kiwi” for a friend and didn’t tell them who it was they’d be like “whoa this guy is sick” and I’d be like “oh you think? It’s freaking Harry Styles dude”, then they’d be like “whoa this actually really good I’m sorry I judged this guy, I just thought I should hate him because he’s hot”, and that brings me to my next point.
This man is sexy as hell.
When you’re a rock star, you get an extra added boost of hotness. The fact you can make music and sell out stadiums and stuff automatically makes you attractive. There’s a reason Post-Malone can still make songs about getting girls despite having “Always Tired” tattooed like bags under his eyes and having the body of a 45 year old man. It’s because the dude’s music pops off.
This isn’t the case with my man, Harold Styles though. This guy could’ve just been a male model without any sort of musical fame whatsoever. Look at the shoot this dude did for Gucci.
Get out of here. Classy. Vibrant. Jubilant. Enigmatic. This photoshoot is oozing with charisma. All I’m saying is that if you don’t think this man is objectively attractive you gotta get your eyes checked.
Harry Styles is kind of like the New Girl of musicians. New Girl is one of my favorite shows of all time, but because of the name of the show and the fact that it stars quirky crafty hipster schoolteacher Zooey Deschanel, people think it’s a show only women will enjoy. But if you actually watch it’s one of the most relatable dude shows on the planet. I’m sure if Harry wasn’t a former boy band member and wasn’t nude in a rose-colored bathtub in his album cover, people would listen and see the relatable enjoyable dude stuff in his music. So if you haven’t listened yet, check it out ASAP.
It’s ok Harry, despite it being the unpopular opinion right now in my demographic, I will proudly take a stand and say it: you are a gifted talented musician whose album I thoroughly enjoy, and also, you are a certified dime piece.