Summer is coming to an end and SHOCKER: I never achieved that blazing hot summer bod I pictured myself having for the entirety of the season.
I came in hot and determined. I was running every day, eating healthy, not drinking as much and by mid-June I was down like 7lbs since graduation. Then I started getting confident that I was fine and took a quiet 2 months off. And now I’m where I was before. Turns out after last 2 months of college when I all I ate was McDonald’s and all I drank was Natty Light and the bare minimum of water that I needed to keep me alive, it wasn’t a difficult journey to shed 7lbs. It literally just took me behaving like a normal human being and not a divorced father of 3. I’ll go to the gym every day for 2 months and look great, and then not go for another 2 months and get fat, and then I’ll repeat that cycle. Right now I’m definitely at the beginning of my “wow I got fat, I gotta get in shape” phase.
Now that Summers ending and it’s the fall, you’re probably thinking “Seems kinda counter-intuitive it’s about to be sweater season”, well it’s also about to be depression season baby! When it’s freezing cold, nobody wants to move or go outside, and the world is dark by like 4:15, I tend to be a little bit sadder! Who woulda thought! So in order to keep me occupied and not feel like complete human garbage, I gotta get hot and in shape. If you want to get this way too, maybe some of my work out tips (that have no evidence or credibility to support them) can help.
Step 1: Build Self-Hatred
Sometimes the hardest part of working out is just physically getting to the gym. How do you get motivated to do that? To start, take your shirt off and look in the mirror. Really look at it. Don’t feel bad about yourself yet? Turn sideways and then analyze how far your stomach sticks out from your body. If you don’t hate yourself enough to put those sneakers on STILL, look up pictures of hot celebrities (I suggest any of the Marvel superheroes like Chris Pratt or Chris Evans or Chris Hemsworth…basically any famous Chris). You’ll feel so ashamed you’ll be sprinting to the gym.
Step 2: Forget about Looking Good
Whatever you do, DO NOT SHOWER. Easy excuse is to say, “well I already showered, I don’t wanna have to shower again soon so I’m not going”. You gotta already be sweaty and stinky as hell going into it. I would also recommend wearing a gray t-shirt because sweat shows easily, which brings me to my next point: wear a crap ton of layers. If you’re dressed super warm you’ll be wicked hot and sweat more. If you’re driving there, crank up the heat on the way. The more your sweat shows on your clothes the more people think you already worked out. You could run a mile but if you’re drenched in sweat people will think “dang my guy just ran a half marathon, did 100 push ups and then swam the length of 3 football fields”.
Step 3: Musical Choices
Popping in headphones at the gym is an easy way to cheat and make working out way easier. If you really want to have the most efficient trip possible, follow this song-type progression that I have masterfully invented.
Start with something motivational. Something you’d hear on the biggest loser during a weight loss montage. Personally I’m a fan of “Sweet Disposition” by Temper Trap.
Next, you need to feel like an athlete, this is where I go for anything that sounds like it came from the Rocky III soundtrack. I’ve got a few below.
“St. Elmo’s Fire” -John Parr
“You’re the Best” -Beer Tone
“Take On Me” -A-Ha
Now this is the part of the work out where you’ve probably lost some steam because it’s been 10 minutes and you’re bored as hell. Now is when you need to shock your body by playing terrifying music. I suggest “Fricken Dope” by Getter, “Doomsday” by Nero, or basically anything by Skrillex. This horrifying EDM will make you feel like you’re being chased by a bunch of angry Transformers.
Lastly, you’re getting towards the end and you need to really just go hard in order to meet your goal, this is where your secret weapon comes in. “Who Gon Stop Me?” by Jay-Z and Kanye West. This specific song is all about telling the haters they got nothin on you. Now, at the 2:10 mark in the song the beat switches up, this is where you murder your body. Crank the treadmill up to like 9 and just sprint for the next 2 minutes. The high speed of the song and Jay-Z just absolutely going off and the intensity of the production has some weird sort of adrenaline kick to your body and you sure as hell want to take advantage of it.
Step 4: Use TV to Distract Yourself from Pain
Most gyms have some sort of television device attached to treadmills or on walls around the area. What do you watch? Things that are visually entertaining. Since you have headphones in it can’t be anything requiring dialogue. I suggest finding the dumbest show possible in order to give you some sort of intriguing visual stimulation. Almost like hypnotizing yourself. My go-to is Impractical Jokers. You can usually see them doing weird dumb stuff and the bits go on for like ten minutes. When the commercial comes on you’re like whoa! I just ran a mile without even thinking about it! My back-up is usually Ridiculousness because (when it’s not showing Chanel West Coast losing her mind or some C-list rapper trying to decipher who Rob Dyrdek is) people getting hurt is just inherently hilarious.
Step 5: Only Run, Everything Else is for the Pros
You don’t wanna embarrass yourself trying to lift weights or use those weird bars on that jungle gym looking thing. Just run. We’ve been doing it since we were cavemen. It’s natural. If you do that you’ll lose weight and maybe get a little tonage in the legs and abs and stuff and then maybe, MAYBE you can gain the confidence to try one of those other things but for now, stick to just running. Know your place.
DISCLAIMER: If you’ve made it this far you should’ve realized by now that I don’t work out and none of these tips will help you feel better physically or mentally. Use tips at your own risk.