Cowards: Americans Will Burn Nike Sneakers but Not Michael Jordan Alive

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These people call themselves proud Americans? They should be ashamed of themselves. Burning shoes? The act itself is frankly a waste of money and a demonstration of immense stupidity. Lighting a pair of Roshe Runs on fire won’t affect Nike whatsoever…so if you really want to hurt this monstrosity of a company for endorsing the metaphorical flag-burner Colin Kaepernick, we’ve got to burn Michael Jordan alive.

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Nope, not a pair of Jordans (again, just shoes) we gotta take down the GOAT himself: MJ.

Now I know most of you are on board but if not, let me convince you.

Nike released an ad the other day of Colin Kaepernick saying Believe in something, Even if it means sacrificing everything.

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You know what I believe in, Nike? The freaking national anthem, bitch. And I sacrifice my severe joint pain every time I stand as it plays at a sporting event.

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Look at this flag. Look at this big beautiful tapestry waving in the wind like a beautiful swell off the coast of Malibu. When you take a knee after the announcer says “please stand for the National Anthem”, you’re basically peeing on the flag, lighting up a marijuana cigarette (the most un-american drug), tossing that doobie on the flag, and walking away as it explodes like every car in a Mark Wahlberg movie.

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So yeah, burning a pair of shoes doesn’t seem half bad now, and burning a human is starting to seem like a walk in the park.

Jordan has been with Nike since 1984. Not only have the shoes boosted Nike into the stratosphere with their generated business, but they’ve also engrained themselves in our culture to the point where a pair of Nikes can lead to (you guessed it) HOMICIDE.

Let’s take a look at this line from rapper “The Game’s” hit song, “Hate It or Love It”.

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So not only does Nike sponsor terrorists like Colin Kaepernick, but now the Bloods and the Crips have “signature shoes”??? I knew Nike made stuff for Basketball teams, baseball teams, football teams, and soccer teams, but I wasn’t aware they also made uniforms for MURDER TEAMS.

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These gangs have led to the deaths of multiple people, so I think letting one famed basketball legend die in order to stop them is kind of fair game. I know people are thinking “why not just kill Kaepernick”, uhhh cuz they’re expecting that, ok? He’s also a new face for Nike. We want to take down the biggest pawn they have. Hurt ’em where…it hurts.

I want to acknowledge the opposition though, as I’m aware melting a human being isn’t usually a unanimous decision. Here’s a list of what the lib snowflakes arguments will be.

  1. Kaepernick kneeling wasn’t as disrespectful to the flag as people think. Apparently kneeling for the national anthem is actually encouraged or something during certain occasions? I guess it’s about as disrespectful as wearing an American flag tank top? I mean when I’m hammered drunk off Busch Light, packing a lip at my son’s U11 Baseball game and he hits a massive slammy into the outfield and I stand up wearing my American flag tank top so he can see my bulging arms clapping as he rounds the bases, well, that sure as hell doesn’t sound disrespectful to me.
  2. The kneeling was a peaceful protest. Oh sure “the kneeling harkens back to the peaceful protests during segregation and Kaepernick is using his influence as a celebrity and athlete to try to bring light to the systematic racism we still see in society decades after Civil Rights Act”, sureeee. This guy was just born hating the flag and the country, I don’t see why that’s so hard to process for some people!
  3. If we kill Michael Jordan, Space Jam 2 wouldn’t be as enjoyable. This is the only one I’m still mentally wrestling with. Space Jam 2 starring Lebron James is set to come out in the near future. Of course the original with Michael Jordan is a classic and (despite being a man supportive of the Satanic sneaker company that shall not be named) you’ve got to admit he’s an Oscar-worthy actor. If he is burned alive, Space Jam 2 wouldn’t be able to bring back Jordan for a sweet sweet cameo and give him another time to show off his esteemed acting ability. It would also be upsetting to the Tune Squad if their friend was burned alive and they need to be in their best spirits if they’re going up against the Monstars again.

Let me offer a counter argument:

  1. THE FREAKING TROOPS.

If I’m being honest though, after that Space Jam point…I’ll postpone the gasoline-fueled barbecue I was planning on throwing at Jordan’s estate. BUT only until after Space Jam 2 comes out. Then Jordan,

you’re

all

mine.

 

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