Destroying the Normie Agenda: Halloween is 2 Months Away, and Also, It Sucks

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I had a sad, sad encounter at a restaurant last week. It was the tail end of August and towards the end of a long work week. All I wanted to do was slam a fat burger and guzzle down my favorite seasonal beer: Sam Adams Summer Ale.

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Refreshing, crisp, delicious: a summer time treat. It’s the equivalent of getting a chipwich from the ice cream truck as a kid, except, it’s alcohol. But when I ordered this beverage I was told that the new seasonal Sam Adam’s beer had already been changed…to Octoberfest.

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OCTOBER-FEST. IN AUGUST. Might as well be butt-chugging hot cocoa by the pool. Last weekend (which took place in September), had legit the HOTTEST days of the summer yet you have the AUDACITY to introduce this Octoberfest beer over a month before October even begins??? My cousin Matt has a great blog about this phenomenon which you can read here, but I am just not in on this. Not so much because it means my favorite summer ale is already gone, but more because it adds to the normie twitter agenda of absolutely GASSING UP fall for the weakest of reasons.

I’ve already seen the twitter posts about “spooky season” and how great it is and how these tiny little mediocre things are so worth it getting cold and miserable in New England. What are people irrationally excited for? Let’s see what this knockoff Buzzfeed article from “Elite Daily” has on there 20 Reasons We Are Looking Forward to Fall list.

https://www.elitedaily.com/life/culture/20-reasons-we-are-looking-forward-to-the-fall

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Can’t wait to hear my friends complain about how the Dolphins’ 3rd string QB couldn’t pull through for them while we watch fat guys play Red Rover for 3 hours.

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Ok 1.) Don’t like this chick just assuming were all excited to objectify women. 2.) Can’t wait to wear the same flannel and jeans I’ve been wearing for the past 3 falls! It could be 55 in the afternoon but 38 by nightfall so you gotta carry an extra layer around with you everywhere. Probably gonna put that down somewhere and forget to take it when you leave, so then you gotta call the store and see if they have it. Then they’re like “oh we have a lot of things just come back and look”. Then you drive back and look and it’s not there and then when you get back into your car from that trip you see it on the seat in the middle row of your car. A disaster. Give me gym shorts and a t-shirt and let’s call it a day.

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So… it’s getting cold? And that’s a good thing?

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The only thing more fun than watching adult millionaires getting CTE is watching unpaid kids get it!

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It’s 2018. Buy an A/C unit.

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Ohhhhh it’s all making sense now. This article was written by a whiny 28 year-old woman. The worst of the worst. “I’m at work all day and then these fun young people have the audacity to go to my favorite place? I just wanted to drink wine and complain about my boyfriend in peace! Come on! Adulting is hard! Let me have this!”

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Leaves are dying and so are we. Just all at different speeds.

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Starbucks has brainwashed you into thinking you need to spend $4.50 a day for a month straight? No thanks. I’d rather spend that on Sam Summers but they stopped selling that IN THE SUMMER.

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How does this lady complain about her room being too hot and also complain about the cost of AC.

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Like what? Chicago P.D.? No thanks. I’ll take American Ninja Warrior and Celebrity Family Feud for the summer, along with uhhh WHATEVER SHOW I WANT CUZ I’VE GOT HULU AND NETFLIX AND HBO AND IDK THE INTERNET.

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No, this holiday does have an age limit. It’s 10. Halloween was fun when you got to get dressed up like your favorite cartoon character, stay out late, and eat candy. You know who it’s not fun for? UGLY PEOPLE. Every Halloween attractive people lose their minds because they get to dress up as “sexy (insert normal every day profession here)”, meanwhile I have to go the funny route because I’m [SPOILER ALERT] not hot. Next thing you know I’m hammered at the bar dressed up like a kitty cat and people just think I’m a psycho. Also the whole “now we can watch scary movies” thing is so dumb. Scary movies come out year round. If it’s dark, you can’t tell what season it is. Just watch them whenever. And [NORMIE TRIGGER WARNING] Hocus Pocus sucks. People who are obsessed with Halloween have legit Horse Girl Energy. Why are you obsessed with something so blatantly average.

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The Fourth of July is legit a free vacation week pretty much and it’s something that’s really fun to celebrate. Not to mention legit every season has its holidays that are just objectively better than Labor Day (in my opinion a Summer holiday anyways), and Columbus Day. Nothing says a fun day off like the GENOCIDE OF A THE ENTIRE NATIVE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

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A reminder that I can’t grow more than 20 patchy cat whiskers on my face, meanwhile, there are a bunch of rugged studs rocking beards and wearing flannels at the bars making me look like a nervous high schooler going to Homecoming without a date in comparison.

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I’d rather have every see my out-of-shape flab at the beach in the gorgeous summer time rather than “not be able to see my dad bod!” in the cold boring fall.

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Wait what? Like actual Oktoberfest? Does this person live in Germany? A plane ticket alone would be like 2 paychecks for me. I’d assume she was talking about like getting together with friends to celebrate it but then she said “getting in costume”. People won’t go to a bar in lederhosen right? That would just be weird.

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I’d argue this isn’t even a Fall holiday and if it is, it’s at the very very tail end. In my opinion after Halloween, it’s the Christmas season. Thanksgiving is freezing in North East and it’s also the start date for Christmas music, movies, and excitement. Also, another reminder of that whole genocide of the Native Americans thing.

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Subways are always unbearable. Sure there’s no more sweaty crack heads, but now those same crack heads are just more comfortable banging pots and pans begging you for change.

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Fires always seem like a cute fun fall idea but that’s all they are, an idea. Everybody’s struggling to get the fire started, your pyro friend keeps tossing lighter fluid on it, you underestimate how cold it is so you’ve got frozen toes and fingers within 30 minutes and worst of all, you’re forced to just spark up conversation…out of no where. Build up the fire for your instagram story then call it a day, go inside, and watch a movie like a normal person.

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This one’s a little dark. I certainly wouldn’t call #CuffingSzn a good thing necessarily. All it does is lead to my mom asking  “are there’s any girls you like?” and then I tell her “you’re the only woman I’ve talked to in weeks” and then she goes “you’re a catch Ryan any woman would be lucky to have you” and then I say “you have to say that your my mom” and then she says “well with that attitude you’ll never get a girlfriend” and then I run off to my room and fall into a deep spiral questioning why my self-hatred deprives me of having intimate relationships.

Guess we can both get dark.

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Yeah like barbecues! And getting ice cream! And going to the beach!

What a dumb season. Give me summer year round and let’s all stop pretending like going apple picking is actually fun. You want to go to a farm for 3 hours just to get groceries? And then you have to pay them for harvesting their crops? Not to mention you get home and you’ve got 32 apples and you’ll maybe eat 2 of them? You bake one apple pie and then uh-oh! the other 23 apples gonna be resting in a basket as a “decoration” until Christmastime.

All in all,

I really don’t hate fall that much, I was looking on the darkest side of most of these things….just give me like 3 more weeks with my Sam Summers and none of this would’ve happened.

 

 

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