I Will Let Drake Date A Toddler As Long As He Never Talks to Millie Bobby Brown Ever Again

Not only did we find out Drake has a child this year, it also turns out he’s dating one. Drizzy was spotted having a private dinner with 18 year old model Bella Harris this weekend and a lot of people are pissed about it. I, however, want it to continue. Literally forever. Because if he’s dating this teenager he won’t be able to date another one: Millie Bobby Brown.

Millie B. is a national treasure. She stole our hearts playing Eleven on Stranger Things, but then we find out she’s also just cool as hell. She can rap Nicki’s verse on “Monster”, she can do the Cardi B “Okkurrrr” to perfection, and she’s been charismatic as hell on basically every talk show imaginable.

She began dating professional pretty boy Jacob Sartorious and I hated it. This kid is a d-bag with no talent, he didn’t deserve Millie. She should’ve dated one of the other Stranger Things kids or something not this clown.

Then they broke up. “Hooray!” Is what most of America said. “You up?” Is what Drake said.

I know what you’re thinking. “Look, it’s not great that he’s dating a girl almost half his age and he’s 31, but it’s not illegal“. And you’re correct. She’s 18, in 2018. So that means when this photo was taken with Drake,

And when this photo was taken with Drake…

two years ago…

SHE WAS SIXTEEN. GUESS IT REALLY WAS THE SUMMER OF 16 (YEAR OLDS), HUH DRIZZY? No no no no no no no. Finding out this news was just gross. I just imagine Drake waking up every morning for 2 years straight, walking over to a massive calendar where he just keeps on crossing off the dates until he gets to Bella’s 18th birthday. The dude planted the seeds a long time ago and now that he can’t get arrested for it he’s harvesting the crops. Lil Wayne goes to jail for having guns, Meek Mill goes to jail for drug possession, Rick Ross was charged for freaking kidnapping, and Drake’s gonna get locked up for STATUTORY RAPE. You definitely gain street cred as a rapper for going behind bars but not like this.

This also led me to have a panic-induced google search on Millie Bobby Brown’s age, and UH OH!

She’s only two years out from Drake’s most recent fling. We all thought it was cute and cool that Drake and Millie were “friends”. I assumed they just met at an award show or something and talked for a little bit. That’s what a famous 14 year old and a famous 31 year old’s “friendship” should be. I didn’t think much of it despite it being a good thing for both of their careers. Made Millie look even cooler, made Drake look more relatable for liking Stranger Things. This summer he sent Millie a Scorpion Jacket that he gave all his celeb buddies, again reinforcing my idea that this “friendship” was nothing more than a brand deal between the two.

Annnnnd that’s when I read this.

Regarding her friendship with the 31-year-old, she continued, “I met him in Australia, and he’s honestly so fantastic — a great friend and a great role model. … We just texted each other the other day, and he was like, ‘I miss you so much,’ and I was like, ‘I miss you more.’”

Brown had previously said that Drake gives her life advice, so the reporter, Kit Hoover, asked her what kind. “About boys,” the teen replied. “He helps me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s great. He’s wonderful. I love him.” Pressed for what advice he gives about boys, she said, “That stays in the text messages.” via Yahoo Entertainment

HE WAS LIKE “I MISS YOU SO MUCH” AND THEN SHE RESPONDED? YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS 30 YEAR OLD MAN TEXTED A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL HE’S NOT RELATED TO THAT HE MISSED HER??? THIS. IS. NOT. A. DRILL.

He texts her about BOYS??? Yo when she calls romantic interests “boys” SHE’S TO YOUNG FOR YOU BRO.

Interesting that he gives her advice on boys and she broke up with Jacob Sartorious just a few months ago…

Every dude who’s stuck in the friendzone and trying to get with his friend that’s a girl will tell that girl to break up with their boyfriend. It’s textbook. Apparently a textbook that Drake ripped a page out of, folded it up and was keeping it in his back pocket for the right moment to use it’s instructions. I’m sure this is how they’re texts they don’t want to share with the public go:

July 30th, 2018, 10:30 PM. (Past Millie’s bed-time)

Drake: Whats good Millie B! Miss you girl! Btdubs, how are u and Jacob doing?

Millie: Heyyyy Drizzy!!! omg miss u sm. UGH me and jacob have been having problems tbh 😦

Drake: u should break up wit him, he doesn’t deserve u

Millie: I think im gonna ur rite.

Drake: kewl. u should date someone who will treat u right

Millie: ugh if only there was a guy out there like that

Drake: maybe there is…

Millie: let’s hope so! im so tired lol almost 11! idk if ive ever been up this late but thx for checking in ur like a brother to me!

Drake: *leaves on read. Upset by being getting textbook friendzoned by a 14 year-old*

All I’m saying is this is NOT cool. If hoping Drake’s on-the-fence-illegal relationship with this Bella girl lasts forever in order to protect Millie Bobby Brown at all costs is WRONG, I don’t want to be right. She’s one of the few pure child stars we’ve got. Worst case scenario I thought she’d be corrupted into a Miley Cyrus-type but never in my worst nightmare would I imagine a 35 year-old Drake hitting her up on her 18th bday but HERE WE ARE.

Stop harassing Drake over this 18 year-old because then he’ll break up with her and focus all his attention on courting Millie Bobby B.

And just to add more cringey-ness to this whole situation, listen to this Drake song (about a girl acting “immature”) knowing what you now know.

Yikes.