Sorry Poors, But Only Rich People Like Me Can Read Forbes Magazine.

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I woke up this morning in my silk pajamas, stretched my arms out in my King Size Tempur-Pedic bed, opened the shades to gaze upon the beautiful Atlantic ocean (as I live on the water) and I had a burning question lingering in my head: “I wonder what Luxury Resorts in Greece I should visit this Fall?” And then today, as I perused the internet, what should I find but this article from Forbes.

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What are the odds! Forbes, you’ve done it again! Here I am I’m asking my butler to do research on Luxury Greek Resorts that I should be visiting this season and it was all for nothing! I should hire Forbes to do my busy-work I guess. Sorry “Martin”, you’re fired! (I’m not sure if that’s his real name, hence the quotation marks) Forbes always has my back when it comes to my exhaustingly expensive taste. Because I have much money and I also like doing the stocks and being in so-expensive-they’re-racist country clubs and….

Ok look, I’ll be honest. I don’t have “stacks”, alright. I don’t have “dollar dollar bills” y’all. I don’t have a “good credit score”, according to Credit Karma dot com, ok? You happy? I was just trying to impress you guys. When I try to find something to blog about I look at a bunch of different news sites. Normally it leads me to dumbed down stories for the average brain about Post Malone being cyber-bullied or Drake dating a teenager, but today I looked at Forbes and was thoroughly discouraged that I could barely understand even the headlines of their top stories, including this one about the Greek Resorts. Guess I’m no “Nel-Olivia Waga”.

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“Being in love with everything beyond average is my nature”

What an opening line. The fanciest way to say “I live a luxurious lifestyle bitch, one you probably couldn’t afford”. This woman is bougie as hell. She’s got like eight different companies AND has the time to write a lil’ freelance piece for Forbes about all the bomb ass hotels she stays at?

This must be the general description for most of the contributors to this site because all of this stuff has zero relevance to the general public. Check out this post.

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I’m not even going to pretend to read this article as the nature of crypto-currency will never make sense to me. You mine for crypto currency, right? But not like coal mining? You can just stumble upon a bitcoin in your “mining” and it could be worth thousands of dollars? And where do you use bitcoins? Can I cash them in a the Coin Star at Stop n Shop? Or is it all just electronically traded and you can’t covert it to dollars? I have no idea.

But it looks like this crypto is called “Stablecoin” and I’m guessing it’s exactly what it sounds like: a bitcoin used to trade horses. Stable (like the horses’ stable) coin is the perfect currency to get wealthy land-owners all hot and bothered. “Oh you mean we get to take our inbred super steeds and exchange them for bitcoins? Whilst I have no idea about how horses and/or crypto-currency work, I must have as much of each as possible! Martin! Get our accountant on the tele!” (If that sounded odd go back and read it in a British accent).

I’m genuinely fascinated by these articles though because I never knew that Forbes wasn’t just a brand about money, it’s also a brand strictly for people with money. My stupid ass only visits the site when I see “Forbes Top 50 Wealthiest Rappers” on Facebook, but most people reading it have to be in the 1%. I mean check out some of these other headlines:

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This post isn’t for the middle class who would’ve clicked if the title was “Check Out These Super Expensive Yachts”, it’s for people who want to see the Top 5 LARGEST Yachts at a SPECIFIC Yacht Show. I’m assuming the Monaco Yacht Show is the aquatic equivalent of the Catalina Wine Mixer.

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They also just have posts with titles so boring the only reason you’d care about it is if you had a butt ton of cash to invest in the companies they’re covering.

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That’s a specific model of a plane making a not-so-exciting accomplishment used in Singapore. That title alone narrows it down to maybe 40 people in the world who could possibly care about what my guy Michael Goldstein wrote but you know damn well they’re all CEO’s, Investors, and Geniuses who wanna dump their funds into this Asian Airline hoping to God it doesn’t turn out to be like that Malaysian one.

There’s also definitely a skew towards older people.

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We’ve got a real “pander-piece” here from Arielle. “Don’t worry old rich people, these young guys won’t lay a finger on your infinity pools filled with cash!”

And the craziest of all…

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This is for the wealthiest of the wealthy. So wealthy their crazy. This is an Elon Musk purchase for sure. There’s rich people that are so rich that they can afford a bomb shelter (because no poor person cares about living that much) and then there’s rich people that are so rich they can afford bomb shelters that also double as “Wine Cellars, Cinemas, and Nightclubs”. Being one of the sole survivors of a nuclear genocide not enough for ya Jim? You just had to also have a home movie theater and underground night club to keep you feelin’ up to par? I mean look at this thing…

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Those are STRIPPER POLES. What’s gonna happen when the billionaire hears that there’s a nuclear warhead screaming towards the U.S. “QUICK, GET THE NEAREST STRIP CLUB ON THE PHONE. ASK THE LADIES IF THEY WANT TO LIVE THEN GIVE THEM MY ADDRESS!” I’m willing to bet that these “bunkers” are just where rich dudes go when they tell their wives they’ve got a “business meeting in Milwaukee”.

This is probably the coolest post on the site and it’s still worded in the lamest way possible.

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You know their target audience is a bunch of narcs when it calls weed “cannabis”. Pretty disappointing seeing as the author of this article’s last name is literally WEED. You know what it should say? “Canadian Kush Making Killer Cash!”, now THAT grabs a normal internet idiot like myself. But I’m sure Ms. Weed’s time is limited at the company for even mentioning marijuana. If she really wants to get the interest of these billionaire types try writing about cocaine next time.

Definitely safe to say I’m not Forbes material. If you want to drop $20 a month for a subscription to this publication to stay on top of “Which European Wineries Should You and Your Supermodel Wife Visit This Coming Autumn in Your Private Jet” though, all power to ya. I’ll stick to reading my kinda content, like this post from Screenrant.

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True journalism.

 

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