Wow. First Nintendo has Luigi MURKED by literal Death itself and then they won’t add a creepy fast food clown mascot to take his place?
What a shame. This new game has SEVENTY FOUR confirmed playable characters ranging from Sonic the Hedgehog, to Pacman, to Zelda, to people from Animal Crossing, to a billion Pokemon…yet they can’t add ol’ Ronnie McDonnie just for fun to duke it out with them? Seeing this clown whack Princess Peach with a massive French Fry would be so satisfying.
But now that we know this top tier icon won’t be in the game, who else should Nintendo think about adding? Here are a few of my suggestions.
The “My Leg!” Guy from Spongebob
I don’t care what “moves” you give my guy Fred, as long as he screams “MY LEG!” every time he gets hit, I will be satisfied.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
This lady could get falcon-punched in the spine and still make it to work the next day like nothing happened.
Jar Jar Binks
When they added Pokemon to Smash people must’ve been like “Awesome, but why Jigglypuff? That’s not a cool character and there’s hundreds of better ones to choose from”, think that, but for Star Wars.
You know how Kirby can suck people up and then take their powers? The Cake Boss just makes cakes that look like his opponents and that lets him use their powers. Also, he has the same exact voice as Mario but he just says more Italian things. Like, “Mamma Mia! My sista Christie is eatin the gabbagool cake I justa made! Take it eese!”
I mean, if they had “Doctor Mario” as a character who has “throwing pills at people” as an attack I don’t see why this little guy throwing magnifying glasses or something wouldn’t fly.
She’s just hucking free Nissan Altimas at everyone.
Barry B. Benson
Ok I originally thought of him as a joke but now actually thinking about it…could be sick. He can fly, he’s got a stinger, you could have some moves with like honey and pollen or something. Not to mention he can have great catchphrases like “The sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants” and “ya like jazz?”.
This founding father is just going to take the place of Ness. He’s flinging his kite everywhere and using electricity to zap people and stuff. He’s also super-racist. Not sure what advantage that will give him but I feel like it’s important to mention.
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
I’d pay hundreds of dollars to see Papa Francesco kick Pichu’s ass. Just screaming “The Power of Christ Compels You!” and punting that little yellow mouse across the map. Amazing.
The Property Brothers
They’re basically the new Ice Climbers, just as annoying but not as strong.
My Cool Ass Neighbor Tyler
I know you guys don’t really know who this is but trust me he’s sick. I saw him smokin’ darts outside his house the other day looking badass as hell. He also took Jessica to Prom. JESSICA. The most popular girl in school and a shoe-in to win the Nicest Eyes superlative in the year book this year. Just a certified stud. So cool.
He’s just hammered off whiskey, tossing chairs at everyone, and dropping hard F bombs. Luigi is charging up a kick or something he’s just like “who the fook do you fink you are?” and puts him in a chokehold. They have a ref come out and try to break them up and then he calls the ref’s mum a racial slur. Might just add the edginess Smash needs.
Imagine these characters fighting EACH OTHER. McGregor vs. The Pope would be a $150 pay-per-view on HBO and I’d shell that out immediately.
Give me your best matchups, favorite characters I proposed, favorite characters you can play as in the new game and any other thoughts. Enough suggestions and I may write a follow up blog, feel like Nintendo having so many crazy characters now leads itself to having a huge content potential.