Earlier in the month I mentioned how I was going to do No Shave November because men who can’t grow beards are the ones that should be doing it. I also promised an update blog when I shaved. Well, I shaved almost a week ago but that’s how long it has taken me to work up the courage to share these horrible cursed photos of myself.
[IF YOU ARE A SINGLE WOMAN PLEASE STOP READING IMMEDIATELY]
Alright, this is November 11th. This is what my actual face looked like,
Oh god. “Why is your hair so bad too? Why are your eyes all messed up?” because I was embarrassed about my patchy face whiskers so I hid inside all weekend drinking whiskey and not showering THAT’S WHY. And if you’re thinking “why did you shave it into a goatee?”, I didn’t. For some reason my hormones decided it would be fun if I could grow hair in the place 50 year old mechanics want it, but the sides is where they’d let it grow in like the weeds in the rough on a crappy par 3 golf course in Cape Cod.
COME ON. I look like a 14 year old who ate his dad’s Rogaine and now inexplicably has hair popping up around his body. It legit looks dirty. You’d think if I hopped in the shower you could wipe this off with a face cloth and some Dial soap. The saddest part too, these are GOOD angles. You want to see the bad one?
NOT THE NECK BEARD. Nothing is grosser than a neck beard. I don’t care what job you went to college for, I don’t car if you have a doctorate in Psychology, I don’t care if your Dad is the Senior Vice President of HR for Amazon, if you have a neck beard the only job you will get is at Game Stop. The grease dripping from these follicles literally shines in the light. So what do I do? I try to trim things up. I got a beard trimmer last year for Christmas because my parents ordered one on Amazon for my uncle and they accidentally got two.
So I fired it up for literally the first time and decided to do some manscaping…and it ended poorly.
Why do I look like Brendan Dassey. Even if that guy wasn’t a WrestleMania-loving accomplice to murder, still not a great look.
Well, you happy No Shave November??? This is what you wanted right? If this isn’t raising awareness I don’t know what is. Please donate in my name to make me feel better. Thank you.