Well it looks like brands have run the whole “We’ll Get Through These Unprecedented Times Together” line into the ground and are now at the “why don’t we get Tik Tok stars to endorse our products to trick people into buying it?” phase of advertising.
This past week Travis Scott, your white teenage cousins favorite rapper, launched his partnership with McDonald’s. What does this partnership entail, you ask? Well, it’s literally just that you can order what Travis Scott likes to order: A Sprite, A Quarter Pounder with bacon and cheese, and fries that come with barbecue sauce. This is something you could already get, except now if a kid that looks like this,
tells you that “Cactus Jack sent him”, you’ll know that’s what he wants. If he’s wearing these $250 jorts with the Golden Arches stitched on the back, don’t even bother asking “how may I help you”, just ring up a Travis Meal and throw it in his Mom’s car window.
In a similar fashion, Dunkin’ Donuts has recently launched a partnership with Tik Tok-ing millionaire teen Charli D’Amelio. And in a similar way, she attaches her name to something already on the menu: A Caramel Swirl Cold Brew with Whole Milk, now dubbed “The Charli” (not super creative, but I’m sure she’s getting a BAG for this. So good for her.)
So Dunkin’ is on this train, McDonald’s is on this train, who’s next? What food/beverage brand will snag a celeb to co-sign their product? Well, there are a few in the works that I think fans will be very excited about.
New Celebrity Brand Partnerships to Follow Travis Scott
Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion have teamed up with IHOP to bring you some WAP (Wet Ass Pancakes). These things are drowning in that ushy-gushy syrup and you’ll be begging our waitress to stop putting all that damn whip cream on there. While you enjoy, one of our employees will be there with a bucket and a mop to clean up the mack-truck of a mess it leaves behind. For certified freaks only.
Qdoba and David Dobrik have decided to end the argument of which is better, Chipotle or Qdoba. How you ask? With every Q-Dobrik meal you order, you get a brand new Tesla! That’s right! You don’t enter a chance to win, you just legit get a set of keys every time you order! Just be sure to flip off Chipotle with both hands when your car is self-driving you home!
The Odell Beck-Hamburger Jr.
Burger King and OBJ have collaborated to create the perfect burger for you to enjoy on gameday! It’s your classic Whopper Jr.: a beef patty, tomato, cheese, lettuce, mayo, pickles, onions, and to top it all off, a steaming hot pile of poop. Just how Odell likes it!
What do you think of when you think of Tekashi 6ix9ine? (Besides the fact that he’s a pedophile). That’s right: Shitty music and rainbow hair! That’s why Taco Bell has teamed up with him to create the Taco-shi $0.69 meal! For just $0.69, you can get a taco “tekashe style” which just means the ground beef is dyed rainbow. You’ll be shitting rainbows for days!
The B. L. N. T. Footlong
Everyone’s favorite daytime talk show host has teamed up with Subway to create, the “B. Ell-En T.” Footlong! It’s your classic BLT, except it’s Bacon, Lettuce, and No Time-off unless you are willing to lick the poop off Ellen’s ass because she thinks toilet paper is too scratchy for her waxed bunghole. Talk about Eating Fresh!
I see you drivin’ round town with the chicken sandwich I love and I’m like, CLUCK you! You’d have to be CRAZY to pass up on this! (Like “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkely, which Ceelo was the lead signer of. I don’t know guys I think this a stretch too but who am I to doubt KFC’s marketing team).
You want the new Sonic Meal created in partnership with Nicolas Cage? Good luck. Historians and explorers alike have been searching for it for years. Many have died trying to find the Holy Grail of Fast Food. There’s an code written under the toilet seat of the 3rd stall down in the men’s bathroom of each Sonic location. If you decipher the code, stand in the toilet, and flush yourself 3 times, people say it will suck you down the tubes to none other than the Lost City of Atlantis. The Sonic in the city is rumored to be the only place where you can order the SoNicolas Cage…but that’s all just a legend…or IS IT?
Tom Cruise has teamed up with Domino’s to create the most action-packed pizza delivery service experience known to man. Their Impossible Mission? They guarantee to get you your pizza in under 5 minutes. Tom has to cook the thing on a flaming hot skillet that’s in the passenger seat of the delivery vehicle while driving. Once at your house, he’ll package it up, hit the “eject” button on his driver seat and parachute through your chimney like Santa Clause. Except he’s not bringing presents, he’s bringing you a fresh pizza pie with a side of a punch-to-the-balls unless you join the Church of Scientology. That’s right, you want a pizza that fast you’re going to have to devote your life to Xenu and the Galactic Confederacy.
And folks, it’s not stopping there. Move over Charli, because the newest child star signature beverage is here!
Miller Bobbie Lite
A beer made for teens? STRANGER THINGS have happened! Amirite? You and your fourteen-year-old friends can turn your world “upside down” by slugging down a case of these bad boys! Don’t let the Demagorgon (aka your lame-ass parents!) tell you otherwise!
I think we’re all excited to try these new offerings, but I’d suggest hitting up McDonald’s for the Travis Scott one first so the rest of your friends won’t make you sit at the peanut allergy table for not having tried it yet.